Second Thoughts

I have been having second thoughts about this baby thing again. Ugh.

It's been a difficult holiday season for me. I have been working hard on developing healthier boundaries with my mother. And it's so much work and so exhausting.

And now our cat is dying. She's 22 years old, so it's not unexpected. But it is tearing me up emotionally as well.

We were suppose to start inseminating again this month. But I may need to wait until we decide what to do about our cat. And if we let her die naturally (rather than get her euthanized), I may need to wait for her to pass before I can think of bringing a new being into our lives.

[sigh]

Happy Winter Solstice!

Today is Winter Solstice - the shortest day of the year and the longest night. And of course, on such a magical day, I am ovulating. :-) I'm bummed that we'd decided not to inseminate this month, because how cool would it be to conceive on the winter solstice? Oh, well. There will be other magical days for conception ahead.

The Long Wait

As I mentioned in my last post, we've decided to take a break from trying to get pregnant the next two months, for multiple reasons. I've pretty much come to terms with this. Though I occasionally think I want to change my mind, I'm committed to sticking with this break. This, of course, doesn't mean I've forgotten everything and won't be thinking about it. For instance, just today, I read an article at Baby Center dot com that says ibuprofen can impair fertility by impairing ovulation and/or making the uterine lining less receptive to implantation. Because we're not trying this month, I've taken some ibuprofen. I'd heard that ibuprofen could be harmful after you're pregnant, but I didn't realize it could also be problematic before pregnancy. I only took it once, but I won't be taking it again, after hearing this. I better stock up on some tylenol! ;-)

Bleeding Time Again

I got my period today.

Oddly, I am both disappointed and slightly relieved. The relief surprises me. I'll have to sit on that one for awhile and figure out what that is about.

As I think I've mentioned, we are probably going to skip the next two months. We're going to be traveling a lot during both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and then my mother will be in town for another week. So to simplify our lives, we're going to take a little breather. This way, I can also focus more on starting my Master's thesis.

I feel a little nervous and uncertain about this break, though. I am mostly fearful that Mr. L will decide he doesn't want to start up again by January. But I suppose that is a risk we'll have to take, as devastating as that would be.

Negative Pregnancy Test vs. Menstruation

This morning, my pregnancy test was negative. It should be pretty accurate, though I hadn't been counting on taking the pregnancy test until Monday or Tuesday. So there is a very small chance it was wrong.

A few hours after I took the test, I thought I felt menstrual cramps. My period wasn't due until tomorrow, but I figured it may be arriving early. With the news from the negative pregnancy test, I decided it would be okay to take some Advil (which you're not suppose to take if you're pregnant). Well... I didn't get my period. So perhaps those weren't menstrual cramps.

C then convinced me to go with her to a nearby spa. As I stepped into the hot tub, I suddenly remembered that pregnant women aren't suppose to enter hot tubs. I mean, the pregnancy test was negative. So I'm confident that I'm not pregnant. But somehow it's hard to feel 100% certain without having gotten my period yet, ya know? As a result, the two minutes I let myself soak in the hot tub were filled with anxiety - much the opposite of their intended effect. But by then, I figured I'd paid good money for those whopping two minutes I was willing to let myself soak. [sigh]

If I am not pregnant, C and I have agreed to wait until January before trying again. We're going to be out of town for both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. So rather than feel fraught with frustration assuming Murphy's Law will mean I'll ovulate while we're away, I figured it would be best to just agree not to inseminate these next two months. I hate post-poning things any further, as my 35th birthday gets closer and closer every day. But at the same time, I don't particularly want to be super-mongo-pregnant on graduation day in June either, so there is no big hurry to get pregnant right away.

I'm feeling a little disappointed with the negative pregnancy test, but mostly I'm feeling okay. I am still maintaining a general attitude of "it'll happen when it's suppose to." We'll see how long this lasts, though. ;-)

My Intuition Tells Me...

I won't be able to take a pregnancy test until a week from today, but my gut instinct is telling me that I'm not pregnant.

According to a number of resources I've read in the last day or two:

Most women ovulate 12-48 hours after the LH surge is detected, usually 36 hours after the LH surge.

I first detected my LH surge at 6am on Sunday. My LH surge showed up again on Monday at 6am. And then we inseminated at 9pm on Monday. So on the one hand, this timing could have been good, because if the LH surge was detected on Sunday at 6am, I probably didn't ovulate until Wednesday, right? That would mean the sperm would only have to survive for 2 days, which is pretty minimal (they usually survive 2-5 days in a woman's body).

That said, I also read that you should inseminate within 6 hours of the LH surge, because that is when the os is open and when the vaginal secretions are most conducive to sperm survival. I did take my Guiafensen (sp?) cough syrup to help with the secretions, so I suppose it's still possible.

Perfect timing is apparently:

-one or two days before the LH surge or the day your basal body temperature dips
-the day of the LH surge
-two days after the LH surge
-AND 3 days after the LH surge in case you ovulate late

THAT said. We only tried once this month - the day after the LH surge. So the odds are pretty minimal.

Regardless, I just don't feel pregnant. I will still plan to run the pregnancy test next Monday if I don't get my period before then.

Despite not feeling pregnant, I am still behaving as if I am pregnant. That's an odd way to function, but seems the healthiest. For instance, in yoga class, there were things the instructor didn't want me to do (positions which required a twisting position).

At the gym, instead of doing my cardiac work-out, I tempered it down to a fat-burning work-out to keep my heart rate at or below 140 bpm. And I just learned today that I'm suppose to drink 2 glasses of water before starting to work out to prevent dehydration, which is particularly unhealthy during pregnancy.

It seems surreal or odd at best to be doing things differently on the off-chance that I've been lucky enough to get pregnant this quickly.

Think Fertile Thoughts at 8pm Tonight

Mr. L is going to call me at 4pm to confirm what time he is coming tonight, but the tentative plan is for 8pm. By some miracle, my work called this morning and asked if I wanted to take the day off, so instead of bustling around and stressing my body out, I'll be at home, cleaning house and relaxing. I think this will be much more conducive to ovulation. ;-) I've been talking to the co-worker who called about this process, so her asking me if I wanted to stay home was more of an instruction. She tells me every time I talk that she's praying for me. This is really turning into quite a team effort. :-)

Oddly, my temperature dropped this morning. It's not suppose to do that. But when I took the urine test this morning, it confirmed that I'm still ovulating.

Inseminating so late towards ovulation increases our odds of having a boy. I have no preference for a boy or a girl. There are reasons I'd prefer a girl and there are just as many reasons I'd prefer a boy, so I will truly be happy either way. Yet it's still weird knowing the odds are in one favor or the other.

Interestingly, C is working with a dog named "Boy" today. I wonder if that will turn out to be a premonition of sorts. ;-) Speaking of working, she won't be home until late tonight, so she won't be able to help with the insemination. C and I had talked about the fact that this might happen, but it still feels weird and a little disappointing.

I keep reminding myself that it will be okay if it doesn't happen this month. One month at a time. There is no hurry.

Despite that... I read an article that said cough syrup (guaifenesin) can help improve fertility. The study that I found was too small to be conclusive and not the best type of study, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to take a little cough syrup today. ;-)

So think fertile thoughts for me at 8pm tonight!