LD's Lesbian PCOS Pregnancy Page

Second Thoughts

2006-01-03T02:12:00.000-08:00

I have been having second thoughts about this baby thing again. Ugh.

It's been a difficult holiday season for me. I have been working hard on developing healthier boundaries with my mother. And it's so much work and so exhausting.

And now our cat is dying. She's 22 years old, so it's not unexpected. But it is tearing me up emotionally as well.

We were suppose to start inseminating again this month. But I may need to wait until we decide what to do about our cat. And if we let her die naturally (rather than get her euthanized), I may need to wait for her to pass before I can think of bringing a new being into our lives.

[sigh]

Happy Winter Solstice!

2005-12-21T12:14:00.000-08:00

Today is Winter Solstice - the shortest day of the year and the longest night. And of course, on such a magical day, I am ovulating. :-) I'm bummed that we'd decided not to inseminate this month, because how cool would it be to conceive on the winter solstice? Oh, well. There will be other magical days for conception ahead.

The Long Wait

2005-11-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned in my last post, we've decided to take a break from trying to get pregnant the next two months, for multiple reasons. I've pretty much come to terms with this. Though I occasionally think I want to change my mind, I'm committed to sticking with this break. This, of course, doesn't mean I've forgotten everything and won't be thinking about it. For instance, just today, I read an article at Baby Center dot com that says ibuprofen can impair fertility by impairing ovulation and/or making the uterine lining less receptive to implantation. Because we're not trying this month, I've taken some ibuprofen. I'd heard that ibuprofen could be harmful after you're pregnant, but I didn't realize it could also be problematic before pregnancy. I only took it once, but I won't be taking it again, after hearing this. I better stock up on some tylenol! ;-)

Bleeding Time Again

2005-10-30T22:22:00.000-08:00

I got my period today.

Oddly, I am both disappointed and slightly relieved. The relief surprises me. I'll have to sit on that one for awhile and figure out what that is about.

As I think I've mentioned, we are probably going to skip the next two months. We're going to be traveling a lot during both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and then my mother will be in town for another week. So to simplify our lives, we're going to take a little breather. This way, I can also focus more on starting my Master's thesis.

I feel a little nervous and uncertain about this break, though. I am mostly fearful that Mr. L will decide he doesn't want to start up again by January. But I suppose that is a risk we'll have to take, as devastating as that would be.

Negative Pregnancy Test vs. Menstruation

2005-10-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

This morning, my pregnancy test was negative. It should be pretty accurate, though I hadn't been counting on taking the pregnancy test until Monday or Tuesday. So there is a very small chance it was wrong.

A few hours after I took the test, I thought I felt menstrual cramps. My period wasn't due until tomorrow, but I figured it may be arriving early. With the news from the negative pregnancy test, I decided it would be okay to take some Advil (which you're not suppose to take if you're pregnant). Well... I didn't get my period. So perhaps those weren't menstrual cramps.

C then convinced me to go with her to a nearby spa. As I stepped into the hot tub, I suddenly remembered that pregnant women aren't suppose to enter hot tubs. I mean, the pregnancy test was negative. So I'm confident that I'm not pregnant. But somehow it's hard to feel 100% certain without having gotten my period yet, ya know? As a result, the two minutes I let myself soak in the hot tub were filled with anxiety - much the opposite of their intended effect. But by then, I figured I'd paid good money for those whopping two minutes I was willing to let myself soak. [sigh]

If I am not pregnant, C and I have agreed to wait until January before trying again. We're going to be out of town for both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. So rather than feel fraught with frustration assuming Murphy's Law will mean I'll ovulate while we're away, I figured it would be best to just agree not to inseminate these next two months. I hate post-poning things any further, as my 35th birthday gets closer and closer every day. But at the same time, I don't particularly want to be super-mongo-pregnant on graduation day in June either, so there is no big hurry to get pregnant right away.

I'm feeling a little disappointed with the negative pregnancy test, but mostly I'm feeling okay. I am still maintaining a general attitude of "it'll happen when it's suppose to." We'll see how long this lasts, though. ;-)

My Intuition Tells Me...

2005-10-24T00:24:00.000-07:00

I won't be able to take a pregnancy test until a week from today, but my gut instinct is telling me that I'm not pregnant.

According to a number of resources I've read in the last day or two:

Most women ovulate 12-48 hours after the LH surge is detected, usually 36 hours after the LH surge.

I first detected my LH surge at 6am on Sunday. My LH surge showed up again on Monday at 6am. And then we inseminated at 9pm on Monday. So on the one hand, this timing could have been good, because if the LH surge was detected on Sunday at 6am, I probably didn't ovulate until Wednesday, right? That would mean the sperm would only have to survive for 2 days, which is pretty minimal (they usually survive 2-5 days in a woman's body).

That said, I also read that you should inseminate within 6 hours of the LH surge, because that is when the os is open and when the vaginal secretions are most conducive to sperm survival. I did take my Guiafensen (sp?) cough syrup to help with the secretions, so I suppose it's still possible.

Perfect timing is apparently:

-one or two days before the LH surge or the day your basal body temperature dips
-the day of the LH surge
-two days after the LH surge
-AND 3 days after the LH surge in case you ovulate late

THAT said. We only tried once this month - the day after the LH surge. So the odds are pretty minimal.

Regardless, I just don't feel pregnant. I will still plan to run the pregnancy test next Monday if I don't get my period before then.

Despite not feeling pregnant, I am still behaving as if I am pregnant. That's an odd way to function, but seems the healthiest. For instance, in yoga class, there were things the instructor didn't want me to do (positions which required a twisting position).

At the gym, instead of doing my cardiac work-out, I tempered it down to a fat-burning work-out to keep my heart rate at or below 140 bpm. And I just learned today that I'm suppose to drink 2 glasses of water before starting to work out to prevent dehydration, which is particularly unhealthy during pregnancy.

It seems surreal or odd at best to be doing things differently on the off-chance that I've been lucky enough to get pregnant this quickly.

Think Fertile Thoughts at 8pm Tonight

2005-10-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

Mr. L is going to call me at 4pm to confirm what time he is coming tonight, but the tentative plan is for 8pm. By some miracle, my work called this morning and asked if I wanted to take the day off, so instead of bustling around and stressing my body out, I'll be at home, cleaning house and relaxing. I think this will be much more conducive to ovulation. ;-) I've been talking to the co-worker who called about this process, so her asking me if I wanted to stay home was more of an instruction. She tells me every time I talk that she's praying for me. This is really turning into quite a team effort. :-)

Oddly, my temperature dropped this morning. It's not suppose to do that. But when I took the urine test this morning, it confirmed that I'm still ovulating.

Inseminating so late towards ovulation increases our odds of having a boy. I have no preference for a boy or a girl. There are reasons I'd prefer a girl and there are just as many reasons I'd prefer a boy, so I will truly be happy either way. Yet it's still weird knowing the odds are in one favor or the other.

Interestingly, C is working with a dog named "Boy" today. I wonder if that will turn out to be a premonition of sorts. ;-) Speaking of working, she won't be home until late tonight, so she won't be able to help with the insemination. C and I had talked about the fact that this might happen, but it still feels weird and a little disappointing.

I keep reminding myself that it will be okay if it doesn't happen this month. One month at a time. There is no hurry.

Despite that... I read an article that said cough syrup (guaifenesin) can help improve fertility. The study that I found was too small to be conclusive and not the best type of study, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to take a little cough syrup today. ;-)

So think fertile thoughts for me at 8pm tonight!

The Saga Continues

2005-10-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

My pregnancy test on Wednesday was negative. I was pretty disappointed, but not surprised really. I was planning on taking another pregnancy test on Monday. I'd had some spotting that I'd thought was possibly egg implantation, but perhaps it was just the most light period of my entire life. :-)

In the meantime, I've been checking with a cheaper OPK kit to see if I am ovulating. That $500 machine I'd borrowed from someone has been a total headache, not allowing me to check for ovulation when I want to - only when it wants me to. Needless to say, it wouldn't let me check this morning, so I used to cheaper kit and discovered - aha! I am ovulating today! Of course, this cheaper test gives me no forewarning (which the expensive tests does do). And as a result, Mr. L is not available for insemination today nor tonight. The best we could plan for is tomorrow night at 8pm. I hope my egg will hold out that long!

Yesterday I ran into a good friend and her 4 month-old baby. I was so delighted to get to hold her baby for awhile while she ordered her coffee. I now wonder if holding her baby kicked my maternal drive and got my ovaries going. ;-)

Think fertile thoughts for me tomorrow (Monday) night at 8pm!

Signs & Symptoms Inventory

2005-10-08T02:30:00.000-07:00

I am feeling frustrated with not knowing what is happening to my body right now. These are the signs and symptoms I have related to pregnancy or no pregnancy:

Possible pregnancy:
My period has not arrived. Instead I've had mild spotting that seems suggestive of egg implantation.
I'm gaining weight (well, I think I just wish I could attribute this to pregnancy).

Not bloody likely I'm pregnant:
The fertility monitor never said I ovulated.
The fertility monitor now says my fertility is low (which means my LH and estrogen are low, which would have stayed high if I was pregnant).

So... who knows. If I haven't gotten a real period by Wednesday, I will take a pregnancy test. I wish it was more obvious one way or the other. Honestly, I would be okay with either answer at this point. After all, this was our first month trying. I wasn't expecting immediate results. But the not-knowing is not easy. I'm trying to just go with the flow. Trying. ;-)

The Ever-Evasive Egg

2005-10-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

So Sunday night, after posting, I felt like I was ovulating - a little twinge here and a little fertile mucous there. But the next morning, the Clear Blue Easy machine still said "moderately fertile." I had drunk a lot of water the night before, so I thought perhaps my urine was just dilute, as the symptoms were so encouraging. So in the afternoon, I used a Walgreen's brand OPK and tested again and it came back positive. So, I was ovulating, right?

We inseminated.

Then this morning, after not drinking much water last night, the test still says only "moderately fertile." I am so frustrated that I cried this morning. Not bawled or anything, but a small stream of tears down both of my cheeks.

I don't even want to be pregnant quite so soon and yet I am still feeling so emotional about this process. I'm trying to be okay with my emotions and just let them roll. When it's time, it'll happen. And if it's not suppose to happen, it won't. That will be disappointing, but I will survive. There are lots of great experiences in life and while I hope motherhood will be one of them for me, my life will still be meaningful and full without it.

Still No Go

2005-10-03T03:14:00.000-07:00

I'm still feeling a wee bit frustrated, but simultaneously I'm coming to terms with how slow this process is clearly going to be going. I still haven't ovulated.

Meanwhile, I think my sister has kind of hinted to my parents what C and I are up to. My mother called the other day and said with a huge grin in her voice, "Your sister said you might be wanting your old Fischer Price toys from out of the attick sometime soon."

I tried to make a joke out of it, "Why, so I can play with them?"

I don't want to discuss our plans with my mother until I am actually pregnant. Her die-hard enthusiasm will only add stress and pressure to an already anxiety-inducing experience.

Actually, the last time we inseminated, C and I had such a loving time. It was nothing like the super-ultra-anxious first-time insemination. Lounging around in bed, after inseminating, gazing lovingly into each others' eyes, I thought that was much more conducive to the spiritual experience that I imagine bringing a life into this world to be.

C will make a wonderful mother. I am very confident of that. And if I turn out to be a half-way decent mother myself, I will largely have her guidance to thank for that.

Chasing Ovulation

2005-09-29T17:52:00.000-07:00

We inseminated on Sunday, but my fertility monitor has read only moderate fertility every day since. We were suppose to try again yesterday, but with that moderate fertility rating, we decided to postpone one more day. I have accupuncture tomorrow, so I'm hoping that will jump start my ovulation. I'm guess that the combination of pressures - trying to conceive while simultaneously starting back to school - are what's throwing my cycle out of wack.

If I conceived today, I would be due June 23rd. I'd been thinking that I wouldn't want to be due so close to graduation from school. But today I realized that the last day of school is June 5th, so that is more lagtime than I'd realized. That wouldn't be so bad. ;-)

I'm now having performance anxiety. I'm talking to my ovaries: "Ovulate, I tell ya, ovulate, why don't you?"

Think fertile thoughts for me!

Insemination #1

2005-09-25T18:40:00.000-07:00

This morning we inseminated for the first time. Mr. L came over to our apartment. After chatting for a short while, we sent him into our bedroom to "collect our specimen" as it were. He then met us in the hallway and passed me the cup (which he'd been keeping at body temperature in his hand). I stuck the cup under my armpit to keep it warm while we said our goodbyes.

The interactions with Mr. L as well as the insemination process as it resumed between C and I were a bit awkward, but also quite exciting.

Afterwards, as C and I laid in our bed, I said, "I feel like I'm in a dream-like state and yet the possibility of having a child seems more real than ever now. Odd to feel dream-like and real simultaneously like that."

I'm still feeling quite a bit like that.

Our days all continued on more of a routine schedule. Mr. L left us to go meet up with a friend; C went to teach a class at her work; and I left to go meet someone I'm working on a homework assignment with.

I titled this post "insemination #1" because we've already planned insemination #2 for Wednesday. My GYN recommended we inseminate every 24 to 36 hours on the days leading up to ovulation. I hope I don't jinx myself and that there won't be in insemination #100,000,000,000,000. ;-)

I was very anxious (surprise, surprise) to inseminate ASAP as soon as we had Mr. L's "goods." I was worried the sperm would die before we inseminated. But today I read on Parents.com, that sperm can live up to three to five days inside a woman's body. So I suppose if the sperm was in the warmth of my armpit, it could have survived more than ten minutes. Next time I won't fret as much. Since it was the first time, I think I'm entitled to have been a little nervous.

It's funny. I don't really want to be pregnant this month. If I get pregnant this month, I will be due to deliver literally days after my final exams for school in June. I would prefer not to be quite that far along during my last quarter of classes. And yet, I can't help hoping that this insemination worked.

Again, I leave it in the hands of fate. Que sera, sera.

Getting Closer to Our First Try

2005-09-20T12:04:00.000-07:00

My emotions have been on a rollercoaster ride this past week. We are planning to inseminate when I next ovulate (which should happen this weekend).

I am mostly excited, though somewhat nervous as well. However, my therapist is still intensely opposed to my going ahead with these plans. She would like me to postpone pregnancy until my anxiety is under medical treatment. Of course, I could not get pregnant if I was on medications for anxiety. Her opposition, however, has added to my trepidations about pregnancy, despite the fact that I am mostly disregarding her concerns.

My plan is to deal with my anxiety in non-pharmacological ways until after breastfeeding (which means I would go about another year without pharmacological treatment). I have been through an intensive psycho-behavioral support group training for the management of my anxiety in the past. So I know what I should be doing (which, of course, I have not been doing) - cutting out the sugar, getting regular sleep, etc.

I have been doing some of the recommendations, though not as frequently as they were prescribed - meditating, deep breathing exercises, etc. So I will find ways to incorporate these practices into my schedule on a more regular basis.

In addition, I have cut caffeine almost completely out of my diet - with the exception of chocolate and the occasional Thai iced tea. :-)

And I go to accupuncture, which helps my anxiety level immensely, particularly because I dedicate that time on the table to meditating.

I am definitely aware of how sensitive I am to hormonal changes - even the shifts that occur every month can have a pretty big impact on my mental state and my behavior. So I am not moving forward with an unrealistic delusion as to what to expect. I know pregnancy will not be a piece of cake for me. Nor will motherhood for that matter.

When I talked to my accupuncturist about my therapists' concerns, her comment was "Life happens." And it's true. No matter whether or not I make this huge life-altering decision, things will add to my anxiety level regardless. At least I can anticipate what this new stressor will be. :-)

I don't have all of the answers. This is an enormous decision, but one that C and I have been contemplating for a long time now. I don't think I am making an impulsive decision.

And in large part, I want to leave this somewhat up to fate. Maybe I won't get pregnant. That is a possibility. But like I've said before, I want to try. And if it's meant to be, it will happen. Everything has finally fallen into place after so much time trying to make this happen. I simply cannot turn back on it now.

That said, I lost my temper with our dog yesterday and with one of our cats this morning. The dog was trying to lick me "where my bathing suit covers" and I freaked out. I responded more intensely than I needed to, as she didn't know that she was doing anything wrong. It disturbed me grately (she has done this at least once before and I had a similar reaction then). But I pushed her away a little harder than I meant to and I have a lot of fears about that. Having grown up in a home where physical intimidation was the norm, I definitely do not want to repeat those patterns.

We are dog sitting and the dog has been pestering our cats quite a bit. The cats' response has been to pee in various places throughout our apartment. And this morning I found a new pee pee spot of theirs and lost it. I could smell the pee from where I sat on the couch and I cried out to myself, "My god! I can't take it anymore!" I then shoved the couch away from the wall to get to the pee and terrified my poor cat who was already hunkering down back there from when she heard me cry out in frustration when I smelled the pee. I feel horrible for scaring her so. I don't want to be a scary Mom.

Part of my therapy has been dealing with the fact that I am terrified of my father. I'm not scared of him over the phone - we have great telephone conversations. But I fear him every time I see him in person. Knowing how I feel about him makes me particularly sensitive about not wanting to scare my cats... which relates directly to how I'd want to mother my child.

So... okay... I'm anxious. I'm anxious in general and thus anxious about motherhood. No doubt about that.

Pregnant Belly Dreams

2005-09-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had a very vivid dream that I was pregnant. In the dream, I was one month from my due date and had just started to feel a little uncomfortable (from friends, I hear that last month can be a bit rough). When I started to wake from the dream, I realized that I'd been sleeping on my back and I panicked. You're not suppose to sleep on your back when you're pregnant. And in my half-asleep, half-awake state, I thought I was pregnant and sleeping on my back. I got my period this morning and woke up enough to take some ibuprofen for my cramps. As I crawled back to bed, I worried, "What if I'm in a half-asleep state when I am pregnant and I get up and forgetting I'm pregnant, I take ibuprofen." (You're not suppose to take ibuprofen when you're pregnant. I have been struggling lately with the fact that I don't take the best care of my body. I don't eat all of the right foods. I'm struggling with thinking I need to eat perfectly for myself before I can get pregnant when I'll be pressured to eat even better for my baby's sake.

Obviously, I'm still stressing myself out about this. And yet, the closer we get to actually trying to get pregnant, the more excited I am about it.

Two of my co-workers brought their babies to a staff meeting this past week. One was so young, she just slept through the meeting. The other has just arrived at the more interactive stage where she'll smile at you. She and I were mesmerized by one another throughout the meeting - catching each other's eyes, huge smiles sprouting out on our faces. A few co-workers commented on how cute it was that we were entertaining ourselves with each other so. Babies can be such a joy. And whenever she cried, I had to fight the urge to ask if I could hold her. My maternal instinct is clearly clicking into hard drive.

Vices while Pregnant

2005-08-29T06:03:00.000-07:00

According to Natural Resources, I won't have to give up chocolate while I'm pregnant. I have to say, this is a huge relief. Giving up alcohol and Thai iced tea are going to be hard enough... I need at least one vice!

Ovulation

2005-08-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

I ovulated today, but for several reasons, we decided not to inseminate this month:

1. The OPK I've been using usually gives me 3-5 days warning before I ovulate, but it didn't give me any warning at all, so we were not able to plan our schedule accordingly. And I was scheduled to work tonight.

2. The lawyer recommended we have C sign a consent for insemination and put it in my medical chart at my OB/GYN's office and we have not yet done so. This will further protect her right as my co-parent.

3. Mr. L had not yet informed us of the results of his STD screening.

4. If I got pregnant today, I would deliver before my school year is up. I will finish my Master's degree in June of next year and would like to plan to deliver after I graduate.

5. My psychotherapist recommended we not rush things since I have been having some difficulty adjusting to the idea of becoming a mother. I wasn't going to take her too seriously, because I was more upset thinking about delaying things than I was upset about the inevitable changes that come with motherhood. But since we already had reasons one through four, I figured it's just as well. :-)

But I am looking forward to trying next month.

Mr. L, C and I all signed the donor agreement last Friday. It was quite the momentous occasion. We had to have two witnesses sign it as well, so we invited C's sister-in-law and C's friend J to sign. The meeting was somewhat impromptu. Mr. L, C and I had dinner, which went late because the service was so slow at the restaurant. By the time we got home and called everyone over, it was after 10pm. After signing, we all sat around and chatted. C's sister was there, too. It was the first time we've entertained that many people in our little dinky apartment, so it felt like a small party. My energy was very high from the excitement of the occasion.

STD Screening

2005-08-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

I got word today that Mr. L finally got his STD screening completed. All that is left is to get the contract signed and then start inseminating. We will meet this Friday to sign the contract. As I'm menstruating now, that means we will most likely do our first insemination in two weeks.

I've started psychotherapy, which is at least partially to help me work through my fears about parenthood. My therapist has had me at least consider the possibility of delaying insemination. But when I really think over that option, I don't want to delay it any further. I'm learning to sit with my fears without letting them paralyze me. Though I suppose I have more of a problem with impulse control than with letting my fears get the best of me. But after nearly a year of planning and a lifetime of dreaming about it, becoming a mother hardly seems impulsive.

We will move forward. I think a part of me wants to leave some of this decision into the hands of fate. I might not get pregnant. It could take months of trying. I could miscarry. I don't have full control over what is going to happen. But I know that I want to try.

Missed my Period

2005-07-28T00:14:00.000-07:00

This is not a "Good news! I've missed my period" kind of missed period. This is a "I am so stressed out that I missed my period" kind of missed period.

My acupuncturist is going out of town for two weeks, too.

We were going to inseminte in August. Maybe it's for the best that it will likely be delayed yet again. I need to chill out a little more, I think.

Getting Closer to Trying Time

2005-07-24T10:32:00.000-07:00

We met with Mr. L this past Friday. It was such a relief to finally check in with him again. I'd been certain that missing his BBQ and sending him the legal contract had scared him off forever.

Quite the contrary. Mr. L was as warm and enthusiastic as ever about this joint endeavor.

He had no questions about the contract and said there weren't any surprises in it. Per our recommendation, he's going to have a lawyer friend look it over before he agrees to sign it.

Now I'm working on finding a convenient location for Mr. L to get his STD screening done.

If I ovulated when I think I did, I should get my period today. I've certainly been moody enough for it to come. :-) I've been very emotional the past several days - weepy mostly, to the point of mild sobbing at times.

I forgot to feed the cats before going out with C on Thursday night and cried out, "I am going to be a terrible mother!" I was incredibly distressed. I am worrying more and more as things move along about my ability to be a decent mother and my ability to adjust to the new life that lies ahead.

If Mr. L gets his STD screening done, we will most likely try to inseminate in August.

Mr. L says he's comfortable with inseminating at home, as I've recently come to the conclusion that I'd prefer. I really just couldn't emotionally handle the idea of conception being such a clinical experience. At least not right off the bat. If I can't get pregnant with home inseminations, then we can reevaluate. But I would so much rather that moment be special. Conception is such a miracle - the miracle of life. I don't want that experience to be cold and under florescent lighting.

Driving Through the Bumps

2005-07-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

I am still struggling with mixed feelings. Do I really want a child? Am I really ready to give up the life I have now for the miracles of raising a child? Will I have to stop blogging when I become a mother? Will that make me resentful?

I am continuing on, despite my reservations.

I realized part of my fears also have to do with the process of conception. I have decided that I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of conceiving in a doctor's office. I want a more romantic, loving moment for that miracle to occur in my life.

I've talked to C about this. She hadn't really thought at all about what that moment would be like. Talking about it scared her. She hates all medical things and hadn't realized that if we inseminate at home, she'd be the one doing it. I told her minimally, I want candles lit, relaxing music playing and for her to kiss me a lot to set a mood of love and caring.

I feel a little less reservations having started this conversation.

I'm not sure where I am in my cycle now. All my signs suggest that I haven't yet ovulated. I'm very late, if I haven't, however. I'm worried the accupuncture hasn't been working as perfectly as I'd assumed.

Cold Feet

2005-07-11T18:13:00.000-07:00

So the last week or so, I have been plagued by doubts yet again. Am I sure I want to be a parent? I walked down the sidewalk today and passed mother and child after mother and child. One mom smiled at me as she passed by pushing her stroller. A mother and her four-year-old child charmed me, holding hands as they crossed the street.

Why the cold feet again?

I had told myself I had "been there, done that" with the bar scene and thus would be ready to give up my party-style life for motherhood. But in the last few weeks, with summer here, I have been back in the bars, dancing the night away. Do I only want to be a mother in the wintertime when I tend to stay at home? That's ridiculous and scary.

[sigh]

It's hard being honest about these doubts, but I'm glad I'm voicing them.

I'm ovulating today. Well, I screwed up my ovulation predictor machine for this month, so I can't verify it for 100% certain, but my gut and my mood and my loins are all concurring with my hypothesis.

Yet another missed opportunity of a month.

I am working at a radiation clinic this summer, so I worried that any mild accidental exposure would damage a fetus, so I think part of the accident with the OPK was due to my subconscious fears about that.

I finally got a draft of our donor agreement off to Mr. L and reminded him of the list of STD's he needs to be screened for.

Speaking of Mr. L, we haven't heard from him in awhile. He invited us to a BBQ on the 3rd at his new place that he'd just bought. We couldn't figure out how to get a ride there, so we didn't go. But now we haven't heard from him since. I'm worried that our attendance there was a lot more important to him than we realized. I've emailed him twice asking if we can come by to see his new place, but haven't gotten a single response yet.

I don't even want to think about him changing his mind about donating sperm. Though I know in my rational mind that could happen at any time in this process. Maybe he's having cold feet, too.

[sigh]

Sorry this isn't a more uplifting post.

Oops!

2005-07-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

I realized this morning, that in all of my enthusiasm about ovulating and menstruating on a schedule, I forgot to start taking my temperature every morning after this cycle ended. Oops.

I started it up again this morning, however, and well before I'm due to ovulate. But sometimes my forgetfulness scares me. Is it due to cold feet about this huge step we're taking? Is it congenital (my father is very forgetful) and if so, do I really want to pass my poor memory onto my baby? Perhaps my forgetfulness is trying to be evolutionarily weeded out - in that how could I become pregnant if I forget to inseminate? ;-)

[sigh of relief]

2005-06-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

Assuming the ovulation predictor kit I've been using was correct, I was suppose to get my period in the last 24 hours. Well, as each hour passed, my anxiety escalated. Why wasn't my period coming? Finally it arrived at the ninth hour. I was so worried I wouldn't get my period and that would mean the ovulation predictor kit was inaccurate. Alas, I have never been so happy to bleed!

On-Line Known Donor Legal Contract

2005-06-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Batty on the Baby Center on-line bulletin board, I've found a few sites that refer to known donor legal contracts:

-Gay Family Options' Sample Known Donor Contract
-Queer Parents' Sample Known Donor Contract (see bottom of page)

I feel much better heading into the lawyers office having read a sample contract before. And I feel more confident possibly writing our own contract seeing these samples. I won't be as antsy to jump into paying that extra $250 to have the lawyer write it, knowing I could probably figure out how to do it after one meeting with her (the lawyer).

Baby Center g/l/b/t Message Board

2005-06-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

I have started checking out Baby Center's g/l/b/t preconception message board. There is an amazing wealth of information out there. I am so tickled. Though I'm kind of addicted to reading through all of the posts.

I had another baby dream last night. Well, sort of. In this dream, there was a young girl (about 4th grade) throwing flowers. And she was my daughter, but I was kind of observing her from far away. And the feeling was lots of love mixed with some sadness. She seemed to be at either a wedding or a funeral. I'm not sure which.

Pregnant Dreams

2005-06-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream in which I was three months pregnant. The dream was very involved. My sister and I were trying to save some woman's life, against my parents' wishes. In the process, we burned down a large stake in the ground - the size of a tree trunk. By burning it down, we were somehow saving this woman's life. When we got back to my parents' house, my father was there. He knew what we'd done and was very mad at us. I called out, "Please don't hurt me! I'm pregnant." In the dream, it was the first time I'd told my parents that I was pregnant and the first time I'd felt the need to protect my baby.

When I woke up, I instinctively reached for my belly. It wasn't until my hand felt its flat surface that I remembered that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm not sure exactly what this dream is about, but can guess it's somewhat about my unresolved feelings of fear for my father along with my literal dreams of being pregnant and having a baby.

As for an update - C and I are having dinner with Mr. L this evening. I'm madly cleaning house, because he wants to have dinner in the city this time (usually we go to him). We're meeting at our place. Yikes. It's kind of a disaster zone at the moment. We've got three cats and a dog and are currently dog-sitting my sister-in-law's dog. So... there is quite a bit of cleaning up to do! Please send happy, speedy, housecleaning thoughts my way!

Feng Shui

2005-06-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends out here just gave me a fertility painting to put in my Feng Shui corner of my apartment. I didn't even know that I had a feng shui corner. But I was so tickled and touched by her thoughtfulness. She even drew me a map of where to hang the painting. It fits perfectly in that spot of our apartment, too.

I found an interesting website on Feng Shui and Fertility. The only problem is that there is a strong emphasis on the "father." Well, in terms of roles, C will be the stay-at-home mom and I'll be more like the traditional father who brings home the bacon. But then there is Mr. L who will be the biological father in terms of genetic "descendants." So, where does that leave us?

I figure I can't go wrong by following my personal success direction or kua. I was almost startled when I saw what my kua number is. As I have always considered the number 4 to be my lucky number - and it is also my kua number!

As I think I've mentioned before, I have a few other fertility enhanching items in my home - a wood statue of a Hawaiian fertility god and a stone statue of another fertility god.

I'm not sure I'm totally counting on these things, but I figure they can't hurt, right?

Cost of Lawyer - Ouch!

2005-06-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

You may recall an earlier post on the cost of sperm. Well, a new cost that I hadn't considered before was the cost of the lawyer to write up the contract! There would be no need for a lawyer with frozen, anonymous sperm. So this cost adds to the known donor side, making anonymous, frozen sperm substantially cheaper.

Cost of lawyer:

1 hour consult = $250
drafting of contract = $250
TOTAL: $500

Ouch!

We're going to do it anyway, in the interest of saving us legal fees at a later date. But really! Wow! I had no idea.

Having this appointment scheduled makes it feel like things are really moving along.

I felt my ovary twinge today! Yippee for ovulation!

I'm Ovulating!!!!!!!!

2005-06-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

I'm ovulating!!!!!! Today! Right now! As I write this! It's so exciting!

I woke up this morning, took my temperature, peed on the Clearblue Easy stick and crawled back into bed, as has become routine. C's warm body felt so nice next to mine and I started to get a little turned on. I thought, 'This is odd. I'm so not a morning sex kind of person.' Then I started worrying about our apartment. I think this building has mold. Will that be a problem for an infant? Will the mold in our building give them asthma?

As I thought this, I wondered... Hmmmm... maybe I'm ovulating. I went back to check the stick sitting on the bathroom counter and... sure enough! It said Yes!

Of course, we are nowhere near ready to inseminate. But the news that the accupuncture is working has me geared up to get the ball rolling. Today I'm going to:

1. Call a lawyer to schedule an appointment for creating a donor contract
2. Find a place for Mr. L to get an STD screening done
3. Email Mr. L to tell him the news and to make a date to meet for dinner to discuss next steps.

I'm so excited! This is really starting to feel real!

Party for Moms

2005-06-05T03:20:00.000-07:00

A good friend of ours organized a party for us. She invited all of her lesbian friends with kids over for dinner. The idea was to provide us with support and a source of information as we continue on our journey towards parenthood. It was such a sweet thought.

The discussions that ensued were very thought-provoking, though we didn't agree with everyone there. One woman spoke about family beds vs. children having their own rooms. One woman told us about Ferber's philosophy of parenting. Another woman talked about how she and her partner brought a family of four together - one child through insemination with a known donor, another child by adoption. Everyone's kids were there. Now that I think about it, each family was of mixed races either through interracial adoption, interracial insemination or interracial marriage.

The kids were all adorable - and full of energy! C and I became most smitten with the two sisters who were there who decided within about an hour of our arrival that they wanted to give us new hair styles.

It was nice to be surrounded by such warm and friendly children. What a nice reminder of that light at the end of our tunnel.

High Fertility?

2005-06-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

So I've started using Clearblue Easy's fertility monitor this month. And this morning, it said that my fertility is high! Yippee! This does not mean that I have ovulated yet, but that my estrogen is increasing. My temperature creaped up a little this morning, too, which is what it did last month right before I ovulated. It creaped up a little and then shot up a ton after I ovulated. I am so excited. I hope my cycle will turn out to be somewhat predictable once I learn which signs to look out for.

I'm feeling anxious for us to meet with Mr. L and a lawyer, so we can get this ball rolling.

A couple of days ago, I hosted a baby shower for the friend who decided to get pregnant the same time that we did. She is due at the end of June. [sigh] I've stopped feeling jealous, though, and am super happy for her. And hey, maybe I'll get some of her hand-me-downs. ;-)

Since the shower, I've had even more fantasies of being pregnant, giving birth, holding my baby for the first time. Of course, these happy fantasies are mixed along with my fears - I am seriously terrified of breast feeding. I will definitely do it. But I'm scared of the initial discomfort. In fact, the very idea of it kind of wigs me out - milk will come out of my breasts?????

But I am getting way too far ahead of the game again. Gotta focus on today.

And today, my fertility is high!!!!!!!!!

Breather

2005-05-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

C and I went to a friend's birthday party last night. She is the friend who used to date Mr. L and who recommended him to us as a sperm donor. Mr. L was at her birthday party as well. It was really nice to see Mr. L without an agenda on the dinner table, as has been the case with every other time we've seen him in the last year. I hope we'll socialize with him casually like that more often.

There is still some weirdness with the friend. I believe I already posted this, but... She changed her mind about thinking he would be a good sperm donor for us. When I asked her, she wouldn't tell me why. But Mr. L later told us she was concerned about C and I, as two white women, raising a biracial baby. I went into my thoughts on this in depth in an earlier post, so I won't repeat myself. I will just say things continue to feel a little awkward with this friend when our plans for pregnancy come up in conversation.

We still had a lovely evening. I hope for many more like it.

New STD Screening Requirements

2005-05-20T17:28:00.000-07:00

So here I am fighting, fighting, fighting against putting Clomid in my body. But the whole world seems to want me to do it!

I went to the GYN today - she was so very very helpful. Though she had some terrible news: As of May 27, fresh sperm donors must be screened for STDs 7 days before every insemination. Ugh! This means, in order to get the results back, the screening must be done between 4 and 7 days before inseminating - and thus before ovulation. With my irregular cycles, I don't know if this is even possible. I cannot predict my ovulation that precisely. [big sigh]

I mean, it makes sense that we'd want to ensure that the semen was disease-free as best as possible. But this requirement seems prohibitive to me - not to mention costly!

I don't know what we're going to do yet. I don't really want to be pregnant until September. So if I'm going to use Clomid, I guess we won't try at all until September. I have been so invested in avoiding any pharmaceuticals, that this news is very discouraging.

On a positive note, both Fertility Friend and my GYN are fairly confident that I ovulated last month. So my fertility is rather hopeful in general. Of course, what good does it do to be fertile when I must either have Mr. L undergo numerous STD screenings every month or must use Clomid anyway. [sigh]

I feel bad that I seem to only post on here when I encounter frustrations. I honestly don't feel so negatively all of the time. I am more often excited, fantasizing about raising a child with C. Even with the trials and tribulations I expect to come with parenthood, I trust that it will be incredibly enriching to bring a new life into this world that I can nurture and witness develop into a unique being.

Letter to my Fertility-Challenged Cousin

2005-05-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

I just went to an endocrinologist yesterday. Have I mentioned to you that my gynecologist diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), which makes it harder to get pregnant? My GYN wanted me to go on Clomid right away to induce ovulation. But I've heard some not so great stuff about it, so I don't want to use it unless I absolutely have to. I asked my primary care doctor for a second opinion and he said he wasn't convinced that I even have PCOS. So he sent me to that endocrinologist.

The endocrinologist said I have a mild form of PCOS, but that she didn't see a need to rush into using Clomid unless I want to be sure to get pregnant immediately.

So... I'm going to try to get pregnant without it. The problem is that my periods are so irregular that it will be hard to predict when I'm going to ovulate. If I was having sex, that wouldn't be as much of a problem, but since we're inseminating, that makes it a little more tricky. I guess we'll see.

I don't really want to get pregnant until September, because I'd rather deliver after school is over. So I figure that gives us a few months to try it out. I still swear by the acupuncture though. I'd monitored my basal body temperature for months before with no signs of ovulation. On the acupuncture (and with the help of fertility friend), it looks like I ovulated this past month. i don't know if it helps fertility in other ways, but I'd imagine it certainly couldn't hurt.

Disappointment

2005-05-11T13:12:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for the tips. I will definitely try them out. Won't mind at all. ;-)

Today my temperature spiked, but my OPK test came back negative. I'm really disappointed. My cervix was soft and lower, too, which wouldn't be consistent with the suggestion (by the temperature) that I might be ovulating.

Learned all this through Fertility Friend. But now I'm almost sad to know.

Feeling frustrated today.

Upcoming Endocrinology Appointment

2005-05-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

So far things are going okay. I'm still charting away at Fertility Friend. The temperatures aren't too far off, so long as I exclude the ones from the night shifts I work. There doesn't seem to be any time of day on those nights that I get a legitimate temperature. But otherwise, the charting is going well.

The long-long-long awaited endocrinology appointment is coming up on Monday. And then I see my GYN on Friday of next week to make a plan for inseminating. I'm getting mostly anxious, but definitely excited, too.

Blog Junkmail

2005-05-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

Well, this isn't directly related to my attempts at getting pregnant, but...

Instead of reproducing offspring, it seems I've hit some kind of junkmail jackpot. I went from getting not a single piece of junkmail in my hotmail account, to 49 in one day. Hmmmm.... clearly, I must have gotten onto some kind of mailing list. I've been registered with Fertility Friend for some time now, but completing some questionnaire on their services is the only new thing I can recall doing that might have brought me such an abundance of mail. Hmmmm....

Anyone have tips for avoiding junkmail?

Acupuncture Side Effects

2005-05-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

I always forget the side effects I have when I am getting acupuncture for fertility issues. I am almost too embarassed to admit it. But I think what is happening is the acupuncture is working by increasing blood flow to my groin. So... the side effect I am having is... [blushing] hemorrhoids. They are not super painful, but they are distressing nonetheless. I keep forgetting to tell my acupuncturist about this problem, because they usually resolve a few days after each appointment and so by the next appointment, they are long gone. They don't happen each time, but they happen more often than I'd like.

Mr. L's Medical/Sexual History

2005-04-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

We had asked Mr. L to fill out a complete medical and sexual history. We got the form back in the mail from him yesterday. Interestingly enough, the child seems doomed on certain fronts - both Mr. L and I have family histories of heart disease, allergies, poor eyesight and hearing loss in old age.

But the item that C was most conflicted about was the fact that Mr. L acknowledged that he doesn't always use condoms. First of all, Mr. L has said that he will use them continuously while we are trying to get pregnant. And said he would be honest if he didn't use them. I personally think his honesty on the form is a good thing. But C is worried that this is a bad sign.

So we'll probably have to talk about it some more. What risks are we willing to take, etc. I'm still feeling pretty good about the course we're on.

Night Shift Shift

2005-04-25T18:09:00.000-07:00

I had been so excited taking my temperatures every morning. The signs seemed so obvious. The day I got my period, my temperature dropped from 98.2 to 97.1. Beautiful! A sure sign I ovulated the month before, right? Then my temps stayed right around 97.1. In fact, they were on the mark except one 97.2. But then... I worked a night shift.

"Take your temperature when you first wake up, without moving or getting out of bed. You must have slept for at least a good solid 4 hours straight." Well, the "take your temperature at the same time every day" just doesn't work if I have to have slept. So instead, I took it when I woke up after night shift. So what happens? All hell breaks loose on my thermometer! I get 97.5, 97.9, 97.7. Fertility friend is now thinking I'm ovulating just days after my period stopped. Now that would be possible for some people, but my cycles are never less than 28 days long. [sigh]

They say if you work night shifts, that you should still take your temperature at whatever time you wake up, but I think they're assuming you work night shifts 7 days a week. I only work 2 nights per week. So that means, 3-4 nights of screwy temperature times and results. What's a night shift gal with fertility issues to do?

C has a microscope. Maybe I'll have to start looking at the more time-intensive signs such as "ferning" fluids seen under a microscope. My other symptoms apparently also suggest impending ovulation (high, firm cervix with watery secretions). But honestly, I am not believing my body at the moment. Especially because the night shifts have also been giving me hot flashes and low blood sugar over the past two days.

Hmmmmm....

Update

2005-04-24T03:44:00.000-07:00

Acupuncture went well. I'm being great about putting all of my data (temperature, cervical position, etc) into Fertility Friend every day. It's much more exciting as things move along.

My Menstrual Calendar

2005-04-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

So, I had been keeping a log of sorts trying to figure out my fertility in this blog. But now that I have Fertility Friend, I think I will stop tracking here and just use that site. Only three days into it and I am obsessed with Fertility Friend. But here is my prior list, also to illustrate that the acupuncture does seem to be helping at least in keeping my cycles from getting long. Both times I was in acupuncture and then quit, I had fairly regular cycles for two months after before they went back to being longer.

9/29/04
11/8/04 (40 d) - no accupuncture until the 18th and stress from exams
12/5/04 (27 d)
1/4/05 (30 d) - stopped accupuncture after this cycle
2/8/05 (35 d) - had bad ovulation pains precisely 14 days before this one
3/12/05 (32 d)
4/19/05 (38 d) - no acupuncture all month

The 38 day length of this last cycle finally convinced me to pick up the phone and call the acupuncturist again. I've missed the acupuncture, so I'm looking forward to my next appointment.

Now if I did ovulate last month, I most likely ovulated on Tuesday, April 5th. A lot of stress was relieved on that day for me, so this would make a lot of sense. I was under a profound amount of stress from March 8th through April 5th due to the family drama I'd referenced in a recent post. The stress actually continued, though to a lesser degree, until April 11th. But I was relaxed enough on the eve of the 5th, that I wouldn't be surprised if I finally ovulated on that day. Hmmm... interesting.

Fertility Friend dot com

2005-04-17T16:01:00.000-07:00

Tara, you rule!

In a comment in my last post, Tara recommended I check out Fertility Friend. I am so excited!

I had been procrastinating and hedging about keeping track of my fertility data. But this site makes it fun. In fact, I want to be able to put in as much data as possible to make my fertility chart as accurate as possible. And all the color-coded graphs give me a lovely visual of where I am in my cycle.

This site has created a full 360 turn-around in my attitude about tracking all of those signs.

Thanks a billion, Tara!

Dinner UpDate with Mr. L

2005-04-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

Last night, C and I had dinner with Mr. L. We'd been a little out of touch lately due to how busy he was with his job and the drama going on in my family. So it was good to reconnect.

C and Mr. L mostly talked about birds together. Mr. L works with birds and C loves all animals, including birds and is a bit of a birder. I found the conversation interesting, though I had nothing at all to add, not being a birder myself. But I really like that the two of them have things that they connect on separate from me. Since I will be carrying the baby, it kind of makes a nice balance to me.

Mr. L still hasn't finished the health history because of how busy he's been. Apparently, it's 6 pages long. Yikes! I hadn't printed a copy out before emailing it to him, so I had idea. It's mostly checking boxes off, though, so hopefully it won't be too torturous for him to finish.

We've agreed that the plan is to:

1. finish the health history
2. find a lawyer to write up a legal contract (anyone know of one)
3. have me start back up with acupuncture and keep better track of my cycles (my temp was 98.0 degrees this morning, whatever that means, at least I took my temp today)
4. start inseminating at my doctor's office in June.

I guess I should make a doctor's appointment to make sure #4 will work out with my GYN. :-)

I'll also go for that endocrinology appointment in May.

I wish there was a computer program that I could enter all of my fertility data into that could make pretty graphs and stuff. I think I'd be more inclined to track all of that data (vaginal secretions, temperature, cervical position, etc) thru a computer rather than writing it on a piece of paper. I'm putting that idea out there into the universe for some brilliant computer person to jump on and get credit for and make lots of money on!!!! ;-) Anyone going to bite onto that one?

Anyway, I am feeling much more back on track. [big sigh]

Going Through the Motions

2005-04-01T12:40:00.000-08:00

I have been through some rough times in the last several weeks and thus the silence. I'd rather not go into it in this blog, however. Suffice it to say, pregnancy has not been on the front burner of my mind the past few weeks.

Despite this fact, I have continued to work on the process to move things along. I haven't been as motivated to check my cervical secretions or temperature. But...

I have been in touch with Mr. L (our donor) to check in on how he's progressing on our health history assessment we're having him fill out.

And I have also procured a fancy ovulation predictor kit (OPK) called Clear Plan Easy. Has anyone heard of it? The woman who leant it to me said she got pregnant the first month she tried using this kit. Apparently it tells you more days you may be able to get pregnant by checking your estrogen level as well as your LH level. I'm not sure if it will work with PCOS, though.

As for the long-awaited endocrinologist appointment... it still hasn't happened. That doctors office blew me off and blew me off and blew me off. I finally asked my primary care for a referral to a different endocrinologist, but instead, he called that doctor directly and set up the appointment for me. Unfortunately, she is booked until May. So I will be waiting some more. I guess we'll go ahead and try in May even without her guidance. I kind of want to stick to that plan.

I will also start up acupuncture again soon. I'd taken a break to save us some money. But want to start several weeks before we start trying. Maybe I should call and schedule that appointment today? I can't believe it's April already!

Allergy Alternatives

2005-03-16T18:46:00.000-08:00

With allergy season in full swing, just as I'm starting to chart my cycles, I've been looking for alternative treatments for the standard runny nose and itchy eyes that I've been hit with. The antihistimines are out now that I've learned they dry up my vaginal secretions, making it nearly impossible to tell where I'm at in my cycle. So far, I've got these great allergy eye drops for the itchy eyes and have been using good old mentholatum ointment (aka Vicks VapoRub) for the stuffy nose. This combo has been working pretty well, actually. Now I've just got back into the habit of checking all of those signs of fertility again. Thanks, Celeste, for confirming that the antihistamines were part of my problem. Wish me luck as I try to figure this all out again! :-)

Anxious Baby Dreams

2005-03-07T17:18:00.000-08:00

I have been incredibly anxious the last few days - anxious and irritable. I behaved so poorly at work that I am now embarassed about it. I was very grumpy to the point of being rude once or twice - okay, well twice. Then today, I reailzed what was happening. My sore breasts should have given it away while I was at work - I am PMS-ing. Fortunately, this awareness has me now working hard to be on my best behavior, so the PMS doesn't get the best of me. Nor get me fired from my job. ;-) But I think PMS is kind of good news. My friend B tells me that my sore swollen breasts and PMS are a good sign that I most likely ovulated this month. That bit of hope makes the PMS somewhat more tolerable.

As part of the high anxiety that has accompanied this PMS, I have been having a number of nightmares, the most recent of which directly relates to trying to get pregnant.

In the dream, I was having dinner with C and a man. A minute into the dinner, C put her head between her knees and started puking under the table (Oddly, I wasn't at all grossed out by this in the dream). The man sitting next to C put his arm around her shoulder and asked if she was alright. I remember feeling a little bristly that he was being so supportive of her - a role that I thought should be mine. C sat up and said, "It was the pickle!" All of a sudden, I realized that C was pregnant (what is it with pickles and pregnancy anyway?). I was very distressed because I realized that C and this man had been having an affair and that was how she got pregnant.

C's pregnancy felt like a betrayal of our relationship (by her having the affair) and a slap in the face because I wanted to be the one to get pregnant and have been having so many struggles with my fertility.

When I woke up, I wondered if C and I, in this dream, actually represented two pieces of me. A part of me that is happy being childless in my relationship with C and another part of me that wants to have this child, even though I know this will drastically alter my relationship with C. I definitely still have some fears around how having a child will affect our relationship. Overall, I think it will bring us closer. And we already have a great relationship as a foundation to start - we've been together for almost eight years now. But I know raising a child will also come with sleepless, grumpy nights; less frequent sex; and a new topic to fight about. I think the man represents someone coming between us who may make us feel more distant with one another. As it is, just last night I realized that C has been less affectionate with me since we got our dog and that I resent that some. I would like to hope that I wouldn't resent our child. But what if I do? Maybe I'm not good mom-material.

I hope it's just the PMS that is making me doubt myself so much.

Fertility Charting

2005-03-05T15:51:00.000-08:00

So... I've been reading that book - Taking Charge of Your Fertility. But I have to say, I'm struggling with getting into the habit of monitoring all of my signs of my fertility. There have been a few obstacles.

First, I was confused. I thought I *had* to touch my cervix in order to assess my cervical fluids. I was having major issues / hang-ups that surprised me. I honestly really didn't want to be messing with my cervix. It kind of just wigged me out.

Once I clarified that I didn't in fact need to touch my cervix but could simply touch the moisture at my vaginal opening (is it okay that I"m being this explicit? Somehow in the book, it came across as a lot more clinical than I'm sounding). Anyway, once that was clarified, I hit another wall. I'm afraid to check because I'm afraid I'll find out that I'm *not* ovulating. One day, I got all excited because I thought my vaginal fluids matched the book's description, but by afternoon, my koochie was as dry as a desert (which is not suppose to happen when you're fertile). Granted, I had taken an anti-histamine the night before for allergies, which tends to dry up every ounce of fluid in my body, but I still felt highly discouraged. I think my heart physically sunk in my body.

I'm having a hard time coping with the little disappointments and am getting worried how I'll cope with the bigger disappointments that seem inevitable.

Breaking the Cycle

2005-03-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

The actual process of insemination is going to be on hold until May. I think May will be a good time to start trying as school will be over for the summer and I'll be on a regular schedule and less stressed out. In the meantime, I am trying to learn my cycles (thanks to the fertility book recommended by my readers).

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about parenting in general. My parents didn't do the best job with me (I know that no one is perfect, but they were pretty bad in some regards); I really don't want to make the same mistakes. I catch myself snapping at the dog and think, "Am I going to snap at my child like that? I hope not!" I'm working on practicing patience with my pets, hoping it'll carry over when the child comes into our lives.

I just read the 2/28/05 post by EJ that almost sounds like a foreshadowing of my own future. As it is, there are times my father likes to toss out comments about my being a "problem child" that I find incredibly offensive. To get to the point, my father was physically abusive and my mother was emotionally abusive - is it a wonder I had problems? I know that they did the best they could, and in most ways, I've resolved my issues with them on my own. I have forgiven them, though they have never won my trust back. I'm not sure they ever could/will.

But I don't want my problems with my parents to linger into my relationship with my child. But how can one avoid that? Especially when my relationship with my parents continues to be fraught with tension? This subject seems like dejavu. I know I've mulled it over numerous times throughout my life. But I have yet to come up with an answer. How can I be a better parent than my parents were? I've looked into parenting classes, but I can't seem to find any, except for adoptive parents. Does anyone have any suggestions for where to find a good parenting class?

New Disclosure

2005-02-23T11:53:00.000-08:00

My cousin S and his wife T came to visit recently. They have been trying to get pregnant (unsuccessfully as of yet) for the last couple of years. They've been kind of quiet about their attempts, but I had heard a thing or two about what was going on. (Family gossip can be a very useful communication tool at times, I suppose). Anyway, I had not told them that C and I were planning on trying in the near future. On the second day of their visit, T told me what all they'd been through and where things were at. And with that out in the air, I decided to share with them our news. They were both very supportive. I made them swear to secrecy not to tell my parents. I still don't want the added pressure from my mother. I know if she knew we were even talking about having a baby, I'd get 100 phone calls with endless questions about the sperm donor and about our plans. I don't think that kind of stress will help my fertility. AND I want us to make all of the decisions on our own as a couple without the heavy handed opinions of my mother. We'll see how long we can keep the news from her. I'm not planning on telling her until the moment I get a positive pregnancy test. I thought of waiting until the first trimester was over in case the pregnancy doesn't take. But honestly, I think I'd want her support if that happened. And I'll want her sympathy as I suffer through the morning sickness that I know I'll get (I've got a notoriously weak stomach in general).

More Painful Ovulation = Moodier PMS?

2005-02-08T19:51:00.000-08:00

Remember that painful ovulation that I was having? A few days later, my acupuncturist suggested that I had just had a particularly difficult ovulation. I'd thought, "Bah humbug!" Instead, I felt sorry for myself - worrying over this annoying struggle with ovarian cysts and my dreaded fears of ovarian cancer. Well... I guess I shouldn't be so doubtful. Yesterday, the aftermath of that painful ovulation hit me - a particularly dreary PMS whose cloud stuck with me throughout today. When low and behold... my period just arrived (literally a minute ago). Which means, this period has fallen precisely 14 days after those abdominal pains I'd been moaning about... Which in turn means... my acupuncturist was right. I ovulated! Tears welled up in my eyes when the cramps began this afternoon. Of course, when I'm PMS-ing, it doesn't take much to bring me to tears. Now why didn't I try peeing on those darn OPK sticks when I was in all that pain???? :-) Well, at least this is another affirmation that it may be possible for me to get pregnant. Hurray! Though, I have to say, if I griped that much about the pains of ovulation, how in the world am I going to get through child birth. ;-)

"Taking Charge of Your Fertility"

2005-02-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

This book, by Toni Weschhler, MPH, was recommended by Celeste. Thanks, Celeste! I picked up a copy last night and had to convince myself to set it down so I could get some sleep. I'm on page 78 and already I've learned so much. Working night shift, I had thought it would be impossible to ever get a grasp on my cycle, because - when would i take my temperature? I wake up at a different time almost every day. Though I think I may try to get myself onto some sort of routine schedule. Not only would it help me figure out my ovulation, but I bet it will help my fertility, too. But all of the tips on vaginal secretions is fascinating! I am definitely going to start charting my cycles. Knowledge definitely alleviates anxiety. I have been so worried how I'd ever know when I was ovulating. But after reading even a portion of that book, I am suddenly feeling much more empowered.

I talked to Mr. L last night to make sure he got the email. He had. He said it was no more invasive than he'd expected and that he'll be happy to provide us with all of the information that he knows - about his own health history and that of his family. I called him from my cell phone while doing laundry at the laundromat (I was alone in there, so didn't feel like I was being too obnoxious). After I hung up with Mr. L, I did an excited little laundry fertility dance! It's so exciting to have things moving along.

Personal & Family Health History for Known Donor

2005-02-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

I am so excited to be able to report that I've sent the health history form off to Mr. L. Each small step is like one step closer to our dream of having a child. If anyone wants a copy of the form, let me know. I can email it as an attachment; it's not easy to post here as I put several tables in it. The questions are incredibly invasive, which I apologized in advance to Mr. L about, but they were the questions recommended in the book we've been using: "The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth" along with a few more questions that I found around the internet. The book had the most comprehensive list of everywhere I looked.

Queer Parenting Video

2005-02-03T19:42:00.000-08:00

Thank you JennyNYC for mailing me the video "Paternal Instinct." I watched it this afternoon, as laid on the couch, taking a sick day from work.

I felt reassured by the fact that the gay male couple who'd found the surrogate mother had so many frustrating attempts at pregnancy and even one miscarriage and yet their perseverance paid off. I cried tears of both joy (for them) and sadness (for myself) when I watched the baby's birth. But how especially nice to see there was a light at the end of their tunnel. I hope there is a light at the end of mine, too. C has had a hard time with how distressed I've gotten, which at times makes me feel like there is something wrong with me for being so emotional about this process. Watching two men who were equally frought with frustration and sadness throughout this process made me feel much more normal.

I've got to work on a health history assessment for Mr. L (get family health history and such) as one more of the recommended steps for screening before going ahead and trying to get pregnant with his sperm. I'm starting to envision our first attempts in June after my academic year ends. I think my stress level will go down substantially and make me more likely to get pregnant. Still not getting any luck with the ovulation predictor kits. And I called the endocrinologist's office for a third time and was told finally (after weeks of calls) that she's not accepting new patients. [sigh] I guess I'll have to call my primary care doc back for a new referral.

Ovarian Pain

2005-01-26T11:30:00.000-08:00

Hmmmph. So despite the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, I actually haven't felt an actual cyst in years. Ultrasounds have shown numerous cysts repeatedly, but I haven't had the sensation of their presence since... maybe 1992? Well, they're back. Is it the accupuncture egging the ovaries on? Or is it just random? In any case... Ouch! I fell asleep two nights ago with a heating pad on my stomach. Heat always makes the discomfort disappear. I woke up thinking maybe the cyst had either ruptured or melted away by the heat. No such luck. Woke up today with a milder version of the same pain. I'm supposed to go in to see my GYN for a follow-up pre-pregnancy appointment this month. So maybe she'll do another ultrasound. Last time, that right ovary had felt so large on palpation that she'd done an immediate ultrasound in her office. I was so scared she'd say it was cancer. But the ultrasound showed just mild enlargement that consisted of multiple cysts (surprise, surprise). It's that same ovary that is bothering me today, though. So that only adds to the stress of the sensation. Again... hmmmph.

But on the up-side... I'll be able to let my GYN know that we now have a fresh sperm donor. Though we still need to go through his health history, before we say it is a definite go. But I'm back to feeling pretty optimistic. We'll see.

Condoms

2005-01-21T19:19:00.000-08:00

A few people have been baffled by my reference to Mr. L needing to use condoms, so please let me clarify.

If Mr. L had provided us with frozen sperm, we could have done STD screenings before his first specimen drop-off and after his last specimen drop-off. We would have been guaranteed that his sperm was STD free.

Since Mr. L will be providing us with fresh sperm, we will not be able to screen him for STD's every time we artificially inseminate. This means that we are asking Mr. L to be consistent in using condoms when engaging in sexual activities (not with us obviously - but in his personal sexual life). This way we can feel relatively confident that the fresh sperm he is providing will not have STD's. We will go ahead and do an STD screening before we start, but then will ask him to let us know if "a condom breaks" as the case may be during sexual activities in his personal life away from us.

Is that making more sense? I realize all of this is rather confusing. It's even confusing for me at times. So bear with me.

Onto other news. Now that there is less pressure to worry about sperm, I am once again grappling with my own fertility issues. I called the endocrinologist to make an appointment, but she hasn't called back yet. In the meantime, I have been peeing on ovulation predictor kits, but have yet to figure out when I ovulate. [sigh] I am not discouraged yet, however. The good news about the sperm is keeping my spirits up.

Surprise!

2005-01-19T22:10:00.000-08:00

So all of this agonizing, processing the disappointments on so many levels, grieving the losses, facing the frustration of starting over and...

Mr. L has agreed to provide us with fresh sperm.

What does this mean, you may ask? And why does this change anything?

Thanks for asking.

You see, there were two problems with using Mr. L's sperm: the expense of freezing Mr. L's sperm and the lowered sperm count from the freezing process.

We were ready to throw in the towel. Give in to the lure of the cheaper, more abundant anonymous sperm donor. I was breaking this news in to Mr. L when he surprised me by saying he was open to providing us with fresh sperm.

"You realize that this may mean driving into San Francisco on short notice when I call saying, 'I'm ovulating! Meet me at the doctor's office!' Right?"

And he said sure.

"You realize that you will need to be consistent about using condoms and that we are putting our trust in you to be honest with us if you slip or if a condom breaks, right?'

And he said of course.

I am shocked.

I am still not sure the news has sunk in yet.

Biracial Baby

2005-01-12T21:05:00.000-08:00

C and I had selected Mr. L as a potential sperm donor for a number of reasons:

1. He's smart.
2. He's got a great personality - no obvious, inheritable psychiatric illnesses :-)
3. He's got similar interests to C's - hiking, birding
4. He is the ex-boyfriend of a friend of ours and we trust her judgement in men. (They
are still good friends.)
5. He is good looking.
6. He is in good health.

I think that pretty much covers it.

Although race has not been a criteria as we've been contemplating sperm donors, Mr. L is Chinese. Both C and I are white.

C and I immediately began giving some thought to how the racial identity of our child may affect our lives and the child's life as s/he grows up. Adolescence being the most trying time in any American's life, we gave particular attention to that time period in our discussions. Of course, any child we bring into the world together will have extra challenges simply growing up with lesbian parents. Though I am starting to believe that C and I will make particularly good parents; and that fact is certainly to any child's advantage. But we pondered a long time on the question - would it be too much of a struggle for a child to both have lesbian parents AND be biracial with white parents in a racist country?

Racism is an issue that both C and I have been dedicated to fighting against throughout our lives. I spent the majority of my academic focus in college researching how to combat racism among preschoolers, believing that biases are formed very early in life. And as part of that work, I worked at a multi-cultural pre-school, where I worked with children from various demographics - white, black, Asian, Latino, born to lesbian and/or straight parents, children being raised by grandparents, children who'd been adopted interracially, etc. I don't claim to be an expert on parenting in general and certainly not on the subjects of lesbian parenting nor parenting interracially. But I've done some research on each of those topics, I've got a good heart, an open mind, and some level of understanding of racism. And I want to be the best mother to my child that I can be. C, likewise, was majoring in education with a biology focus and studied racism in the sciences as her undergraduate dissertation. And like me, she has a good heart, an open mind, and wants to be the best mother she can be. Is that enough?

In our discussions, C and I have also struggled with the fact that we do not feel any more a part of mainstream white American culture than black or Asian culture. Culturally, we have a very diverse family of friends, though they are mostly on the fringe of American society whether it is due to their race, their sexual orientation, or their religion. Simultaneously, we are certainly aware of the fact that we benefit from white privilege as much as any white person does.

As to one of the advantages of bearing a biracial child, there are also the thoughts on genetics. Genetic diversity is a really good thing. Let's suppress all those bad recessive traits by mixing genes with someone not from my same gene pool. Really, when you think about it, biraciality seems really smart by genetic logic.

I come from a very diverse melting pot of a family myself. Albeit European. I am English, Irish, Polish, Belgian, Welsh, German, Spanish, and gypsy of unknown origin (most likely Czech). My biological family is also fairly diverse. One first cousin's husband immigrated here from Iran and their children are all biracial. Another first cousin adopted a biracial child.

In my heart, my friends are just as much a part of my family. And our friends are fairly diverse as well. Although the majority of my friends are white, they are also Indian, Bangladeshi, Japanese, Vietnamese, Philipino, Korean, Chinese, African-American, biracial, Taiwanese, and Latino. In fact, when considering a known sperm donor, finding a white male whose sperm we'd want would probably have made this process all the more cumbersome.

Would seeing so many different looking faces among our family and our family of friends make the child feel more at home in the community we call family?

We decided the question finally came down to - could we give this child what s/he needs in terms of a racial identity? Without experiencing racism first-hand ourselves, would the child feel that we could never truly understand him/her?

Taking these questions very seriously, I decided to survey my friends and I got primarily supportive responses:

MN: Personally, I never truly felt that I came from a mixed background until I was much older, when I realized that there were cultural reasons I was different from the other kids, in addition to visual ones... I don't think the culture thing is a big issue, at least not while you live in the Bay area... Plus s/he'd have auntie MN to come to when dealing with mixed race issues.

ML: It is good to teach your child about his/her heritage. Depending on how one is raised and the individual person, the importance of cultural heritage and staying close with your family varies.

AP: Ask me any questions [about] what it is like to be adopted. My journey back to Vietnam [helped me] understand my uniqueness. Everyone is unique and different in their own experiences. If you ever need a God mother or a great wonderful Aunt you can consider me. Always reference me as long-time family member or at least auntie. Being adopted is no different than having children [by other means, in either case], you just show all the love you have to give.

NR: I totally support you having a bi-racial baby. Of course you know that the baby will need to be proud of his/her heritages and will need the proper exposure, environment, neighborhoods, culture, etc. But who better than two cool lesbian moms like yourselves?! ...I mean why propagate the genes of straight white men even more??? I support your decision and firmly believe you will be loveable and loving parents.

AW: You will just have to keep your child's comfort in mind when deciding where to live, so that they are not uncomfortable in an exclusively white environment.

JC: I never took racism personally so I never felt left out in the US. I think by the time the child grows, there will be more mix of races and more non-conservative couple marriages. I believe you and C will give the child a lot of wisdom and advice to help the child be strong and be able to handle traditional attitudes. It may mean you have more variety of issues to educate your child about but I think you are both capable of that since you are very aware.

All of the support that poured out just warmed my heart. Instead of worrying how I'd raise a biracial child within the context of a white lesbian couple, I was actually sincerely looking forward to it and embracing it. Our family of friends really stepped up to the plate for us.

So now as we lean towards an anonymous donor, I am suddenly feeling a great sense of loss. We are going to look at the same factors we did when looking for a known donor - intelligence, health, personality, hobbies. So once again, we will not be choosing a donor based on race. But truth of the matter is that most donors are white.

Shifting gears has never been easy for me.

I was heart-broken when Mr. B after several discussions essentially told us he couldn't emotionally handle being a sperm donor. And now after having invested even more into Mr. L, the thought of changing directions again is once again heart-wrenching. Is it the loss of this beautiful biracial baby in my dreams that is so upsetting? Or just the time that once again feels wasted and empty. Emptiness of time, emptiness of womb.

And Mr. L had recently written to say that he had talked to his cousins about donating sperm to us and they had also been very supportive.

I definitely can't consider another known donor. The time investment just isn't worth the seemingly inevitable heart-ache. And besides, the expense is a large part of why we're leaning away from Mr. L.

I'm really down in the dumps today. Just grasping for specific reasons why. All the love I felt from my friends will surely be there, wherever this journey leads us. So why does it suddenly feel like such a loss? Why do I feel I am grieving so?

This baby, when/if it finally comes, will certainly feel like a miracle! A treasure to be cherished with all my heart. And I know that I will love the child - no matter how we go about bringing it into this world and/or our lives. Adoption is not out of the question either, though I doubt that would be any more affordable! [sigh]

The "Old Fashioned" Way

2005-01-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

I have been sharing with friends about the struggle C and I are having trying to decide whether to continue using Mr. L's sperm despite the high expense and the low sperm count or whether to use an anonymous donor (which is less money for more sperm). And I have been rather surprised by the response I've gotten from a few of my straight friends. Repeatedly I've been thrown this line:

"Well, why don't you just do it the old fashioned way - find some guy and have sex?"

Okay, first of all, I have no problem having sex with men as a general rule. I have done it before and as I've mentioned once or twice, I have in fact gotten pregnant by that means before. And I'm not going to say that I didn't enjoy it.

HOWEVER... I am in a committed, monogamous relationship. C and I had a Commitment Ceremony over seven years ago and live as any other married couple does (though possibly more monogamously than most). My response to the last friend (a married straight male - though straight women have suggested the same) who suggested I have sex with a man was:

"Okay. So if you were unable to get your wife Maggie pregnant because your sperm count was too low, would you want her to go out and have sex with another man in order to get pregnant?"

I think not.

I don't get it. Do they think that my marriage to C is that much different from their marriage simply because we're women. Or is it a compliment to the fact that C and I are more open-minded than a lot of folks and thus an unconventional solution to our problem would be open to consideration. Though I agree with the latter, I will have to say my suspicion is that these friends are thinking in terms of the former. Despite feeling offended by the suggestion, I still love my friends. Though I do wish they would smarten up a bit.

Sperm Ain't Cheap

2005-01-03T13:53:00.000-08:00

As part of the debating between Mr. L and an anonymous donor, we've started to look at expense. We aren't super poor, but we're not exactly loaded either. Either scenario isn't particularly inexpensive. I am using the magic number of 8 for these calculations because the sperm bank says their female clients take an average of 6 - 8 attempts before getting pregnant.

Known Donor (ie Mr. L):
Sperm count (already done): $150
STD screening and medical exam: $785
Required semen storage consult: $350
Semen storage annual fee per ejaculate: $100 x 8 : $800
Semen deposit per ejaculate: $125 x 8 = $1000
Retrieval of semen sample: $25 x 8 = $200
[This does not include the cost of genetic testing, which is also available.]
GRAND TOTAL for KNOWN DONOR: $3,285

Anonymous Donor:
Required registration: $50
Donor medical chart review in office = $40
Dry ice with cooler: $25 x 8 = $200
Donor sperm vial: $185 per vial x 8 = $1480
GRAND TOTAL FOR ANONYMOUS DONOR: $1,770

The difference is $1,515. Ouch. And all this time, I thought the cost was about even in the end. You'd think it would be cheaper to get pregnant providing your own sperm. But I guess not!

Frozen & Thawed Semen

2004-12-26T22:56:00.000-08:00

We got the results of the thawed semen analysis. We actually got it about five days ago, but I have been sitting on it, contemplating the news. Mr. L's motility was right on target, but his sperm count was almost half below the marker this sperm bank looks for in their donors. [sigh] The counselor at the sperm bank suggested we continue as planned. She suggested using more vials of sperm per insemination to compensate for the lower count.

C is leaning towards using an anonymous donor. I'm still leaning towards Mr. L. So I've been researching sperm counts and their respective pregnancy rates. I'm coming up with totally conflicting data. Worst case scenario amongst the studies suggested only about 15% of women using sperm with this sperm count get pregnant within one year. But a different study suggested that 78% became pregnant (though this was within a 10 year period!!!!!). I don't have ten years. And I have fertililty issues of my own.

Clomid is suddenly looking really good despite its potential side effects of:

-headache
-restlessness
-insomnia
-dizziness
-light-headedness
-depression
-fatigue
-tension
-hypertension
-blurred vision
-diplopia
-scotoma (what is that?)
-photophobia
-nausea
-vomiting
-bloating
-abdominal distention
-urinary frequency
-hyperglycemia (read "Diabetes")
-increased appetite
-weight gain
-alopecia (aka hair loss - if only it was chin hair, I'd be sold)
-urticaria
-rash
-dermatitis
-hot flashes
-breast discomfort

Sounds like super-PMS. C is now adamently opposed to my taking Clomid. She says I was enough of a biatch when I was taking birth control pills and she doesn't want to have to lock me in a closet for an entire month.

What to do, what to do.

The Long-Awaited Sperm Count

2004-12-18T20:31:00.000-08:00

Mr. L and I finally made it to the sperm bank. We had such a lovely afternoon. We met for lunch beforehand and talked about our experiences in college - what we studied, what we learned and how it related or didn't relate to the work we do now.

I was thrown off guard at the sperm bank when the counselor we met with called out my name and put her arms out to give me a hug. It turned out I knew her. We had worked together for two years and had been quite fond of one another, though we'd lost touch over the last couple of years. It seemed a good sign somehow that she was there. There have been a few other coincidences like that that have seemed auspicious somehow.

Mr. L commented on the sterility of the lab where he had to drop off his "specimen." He had been intimidated by the size of the specimen cup.

We got our results that afternoon. At first, I was excited. The counselor had told us that his count needed to be above 20. More than 20 million sperm count and more than 20% motility. But what I forgot was that the number needed to be higher than that *after* the thaw test. Mr. L's count AND motility were below normal, though not low enough to be considered infertile. I cried for two hours after learning this news and have been depressed for days.

My sister thinks it's a sign that we should use an anonymous donor. She thinks it's safer. My partner C thinks the same. And it's true that we would be able to start trying sooner with an anonymous donor. But I'm still disappointed and kind of grieving. We'll get the thaw test result on Thursday, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Concerned Friends

2004-12-11T13:47:00.000-08:00

I got the following email from a concerned friend:

"I have struggled with that same question - do I have a baby or not - for a long time. I have put this question aside until I am absolutely sure I am doing the right thing. And I have not come to that day yet. I watch other women when they walk by with their babies in the stroller. I observe their very cute faces and little bodies and wish I had a baby of my own. And then it'll happen- I see another Mother with her 3-4 year old and I see stress and screaming and mad faces and I say, 'oh thank goodness I didn't do what she did.' I like the way I live - I enjoy going out to dinner, to the sauna, wherever I want to go I can. Traveling with my husband is wonderful, and if we had a baby, all that would change. It's expensive too. You need more space- your apartment is too small, I think. And I think it's no good that you have a neighbor who smokes pot. You have to consider costs for diapers, food, medical insurance, clothes, Tylenol ...I really wish you would think very hard about this. What if you have a handicapped baby? Are you ready for that? Please understand that I want to help you, not criticize you."

I was shocked by this email - shocked that my friend would assume that I haven't thought of all of these things. Shocked that she wouldn't realize that of course plans are underway to get a larger apartment; shocked that she questioned my financial stability - there are people who raise children with far less money than we have. But I think what shocks me most is that the tone implies a lack of trust. Fortunately, I can reassure myself by the fact that this friend lives in Europe and has only spent one day with me in the last fifteen years, so she doesn't honestly know what my life is like nor what it is about. But it hurt nonetheless. When I dwell on the lifestyle changes, the monetary commitment of parenthood, the fears of what could happen, I get overwhelmed by it all. Of course, I think about these things and have been making plans to prepare for this baby nearly constantly. Though if any of us dwelled too much for too long on any of this, no one would be having children. But again, the lack of trust and implication that I am being impulsive by wanting to have a child, especially considering all I must go through to get one, just stuns me.

Dinner with Mr. L

2004-12-07T21:32:00.000-08:00

Last night we had dinner with Mr. L to discuss his sperm. And he is SO MUCH cuter than I’d remembered. Some of this is because his complexion has darkened some from his working outdoors (doing bird surveys for an environmental non-profit – isn’t he cool to have such a cool job, too?). But his facial structure is more attractive than I’d remembered, too. I guess I’d never looked at his physical traits as potential characteristics to be passed on to my child before. But I'll say I like what I saw.

C got a little nervous before dinner. She saw me getting myself all dressed up and grabbed me into her arms. “You’re not going to fall for the sperm donor, are you? The books all say that can happen. And now you’re getting all dressed up for him.”

“Honey, don’t worry. I love you. I get dressed up like this for my family, too. In fact, I’m going to pack this same outfit when I fly out to see my parents over the holidays. I’m not exactly wearing a low-cut shirt and a short skirt, ya know?”

She smiled, somewhat reassured. “Yeah, you’re right. And I suppose in a way we are in fact courting him. Is it alright if I don’t get all dressed up?”

I smiled, “Wear whatever you want, sweetie.” And I kissed her on the cheek as she pulled away.

The dinner was nice. We got to know Mr. L much better. We answered his questions and he answered a few of ours as well. But now for the weirdnesses from our dinner:

1) Mr. L kept referring to himself as a "parent," even after we clarified that C and I will be the parents. Mostly, however, this was in the context of statements such as “I don’t think I’d make a good parent” and “I never saw myself as becoming a parent.” So this may not be as worrisome as it might initially sound. And he did also say that he thought of this agreement as though he was giving us a gift. So that was very reassuring.

2) He thinks his parents (especially his mother) will flip that he gave sperm to a lesbian couple, especially as this child is likely to be his mom’s only grandchild. Both of his parents were born in China and are very traditionally Chinese. His parents are divorced. His father is a Republican, remarried to a born-again Christian and they live in a gated community. Though Mr. L is more worried about how his mother will react, he doesn’t think either of them will sue for custody.

Despite these worries, all-in-all the dinner went quite well. C and I are both feeling even more strongly that we've made a good decision in our choice of sperm donors. Mr. L and I will go to the sperm bank to get his count done on the fifteenth. I can't wait. I'm actually getting quite excited as things seem to be moving along finally.

AND I got my last period in twenty seven days. I am a very firm believer that acupuncture alone will solve my fertility issues. I won't hold my breath. But I feel really good about it.

Also interesting to note, Mr. B has called again, though once again we missed his call. If he decided he was in fact interested, I'm not sure what we'd do. At this point, I would be happy having either of them as a sperm donor.

Ooooooh, I'm so excited!!!!!!

Exciting Wait

2004-12-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

The sperm analysis appointment is not until the 12th. So now I'm back to just waiting again. I have to say, however, this time the waiting is less painful. It's more of an exciting anticipation. Mr. L, C and I are hoping to meet this Sunday evening just to talk some more about expectations and the like, too. But mostly I'm excited about the sperm bank visit. It seems like something concrete. A definitive step forward from where we've been for months. Perhaps the acupuncture is also lifting my spirits.

Chat with Sperm Bank "Counselor"

2004-11-30T19:53:00.000-08:00

I *finally* got ahold of the sperm bank. I called them a second time reminding them I was still awaiting a call back. Apparently, there was an unusually high demand for sperm right before and right after Thanksgiving. Who'd of guessed? I spoke to a very friendly "counselor" there named Emily who explained some of the basics of this insemination process. As I'd read on various websites, the sperm donor has to come in for a sperm count aka "sperm analysis" (fresh and thawed-frozed). So I scheduled that appointment for Mr. L. But what I forgot to tell Mr. L was that he has to obstain from ejaculating for a minimum of 2 days, preferably from 3 to 5 days, before his appointment. I hope he won't change his mind about helping us out!

Scheduling Sperm Bank Visit

2004-11-26T15:13:00.000-08:00

Turns out, Mr. L would like me to go with him to the sperm bank after all. I have been wanting to get my foot in the door anyway, so it's just as well. We decided we'd get coffee afterward and talk more about expectations and such. I called the sperm bank on Tuesday and haven't heard back yet. I wasn't expecting a call on Thanksgiving or today, but had hoped to hear back from them before the holidays. I guess I'll call again Monday to check in. They say you need to call and make an appointment before showing up, but if they don't call me back, they shouldn't blame me if I just show up! :-) Cross your fingers that they'll call on Monday!

Post-Partum Depression

2004-11-22T21:05:00.000-08:00

I just watched a videotaped episode of Dr. Phil on Post-Partum Depression that was sent to me by JennyNYC. And I'm now worried that I may experience post-partum depression due to my history of anxiety. I think I was in denial as to just how severe Post-Partum depression could be. A couple of years ago I met a woman who was in the midst of a psychotic break due to post-partum depression, so you'd think I would know just how real and how bad it could be. She had to be hospitalized. She had been such a pleasant woman during her pregnancy and had what appeared to be a total personality change after giving birth. It can be pretty scary. Oh boy, one more thing to worry about, huh? But it's good to be aware that it can happen, so I'll recognize the signs if they start to appear. Of course, this is really planning ahead since I'm not even pregnant yet. But I guess it's good to hope and look forward to dreams coming true and to plan for how they might not go exactly as expected. Right?

Oh, and as for the mysterious "unknown donors" in the last post, I read an article that said that women used to go to hospitals and get inseminated by anonymous medical students. So it was like using a sperm bank, but done in a different setting and without all of the health and family history screenings that sperm banks do now. I'm assuming those must be the "unknown donors" as opposed to known donors and sperm banks. There is a subtle distinction there.

How Lesbians Get Pregnant

2004-11-19T13:17:00.000-08:00

Although this is really old data from the 1987 National Lesbian Health Care Survey, I found it interesting. I couldn't find more recent statistics, but wonder how these numbers may have changed in the last 17 years. Here is how lesbians got pregnant as of 1987:

34% Known donor
31% Unknown donor

20% Sex with a male

15% Sperm bank

With the advent of "Identity-Release" programs, "Willing-to-be-Known" donors, and more rigorous screening of sperm specimens, my instincts tell me that sperm banks may be more popular than they once were. But then again, we're trying our hardest to find a known donor for ourselves. So, who knows how different things may look these days.

Donors Call

2004-11-15T19:42:00.000-08:00

As soon as I got home today, I called Mr. L. He was home! We were both very nervous at first and awkward. But then we finally got down to the nitty gritty. He is *totally* interested and has already agreed to get a sperm count done. I can't say how thrilled I am. I am hoping, hoping, hoping this works out.

After hanging up the phone with him, I went to check email. And who is there a message from in my inbox? Mr. B. I still think he has decided against donating his sperm. But we should probably call him soon to find out for certain.

I am so so tickled that Mr. L is seriously interested. We have tons of questions for him and he has tons of questions for us. But we decided to make a coffee date to discuss these sensitive matters live and in person. I can't wait!

The Uh... Uh...

2004-11-13T11:59:00.000-08:00

Finally getting a day off today, I put a call in to Mr. L. I was nervous. How do you start a conversation with an acquaintance about possibly obtaining a bit of their sperm? I was half-relieved and half-disappointed to find out he wasn't at home. I left a message asking him to call. Then C and I went out to dinner.

When we got home, there was a voice mail message:

"Hi C. Hi Elle. This is Mr. L. calling. I just want to touch base with you and talk about uh... the uh... It is about 8 o'clock on Saturday. Give me a call when you get a chance. You can always try me on my cell. Alright. Talk to you later. Bye." He sounded so serious and so nervous. I guess a lot like how I'm feeling.

By the time we got home, it was too late to call, so I guess I'll try tomorrow.

Soliciting Acquaintances

2004-11-10T22:54:00.000-08:00

How does one go about asking a mere acquaintance to "lend me some sperm?" I wished I had a fieldguide on the subject this evening when I drafted and sent the said email to Mr. L. This is what I came up with:

"Hi [Mr. L],

"Have you talked to [our mutual friend Coco] recently? I hope so. :-) How are you? I hope well. I am busy busy busy with... [My partner] is busy busy busy with managing the bookstore and now also working at [the animal shelter]. But things are well for the most part.

"And why might I be suddenly emailing you???? Well, [Coco] had mentioned to us that she'd asked you about donating sperm... and you had seemed open to considering it. Well, [my partner] and I are in the process of planning a pregnancy (carried by me). :-) And we are searching around for who might be a good sperm donor. I should mention we have asked one of [my partner's] best friends who lives [across country]. He is "thinking about it." But in the meantime, we thought we should look at other options (he is sounding very hesitant due to the long distance). So... your name has come up in conversation a number of times. Though we haven't spent all that much time with you, we are quite fond of you - you have a great personality, a lot of shared interests with us and are cute, too. ;-) So... we were wondering if you would be interested in considering donating sperm to us. I wanted to email you first to give you some time to think it over before putting you on the spot. And even when we talk, we will not expect an immediate answer. In fact, if you're at all interested, there are also some personal questions we'll be wanting to ask you as well. But... give it some thought, if you will.

"I am working [long hours] the next two days, so I won't be available much until Saturday afternoon. If you think you'll want more time before talking on the phone, email or call and let me know. Otherwise, I'll plan to give you a ring on Saturday. Here are our phone numbers...

"Take care and have a good rest of your week!

"Elle Dee"

Well, I'm sure the letter could have been improved a million times over. But that was the best I could muster. I was anxious to finally make contact with Mr. L and get that first step over with. And well, I did it! We'll see what Mr. L thinks of this idea. At least this one is local! Here's hoping for the best.

Donors come out of the Woodwork

2004-11-06T17:20:00.000-08:00

Donors are suddenly popping up out of the woodwork. Our couple's therapist has a friend whom she is certain would be the perfect sperm donor. A friend in Maryland called to tell me the man she's crushed out on has told her that he'd donate his sperm, too. I wish the sperm were the only dilemma we were having right now.

I went to see my GYN again - gave her a second chance. My primary care doc must have talked to her, because suddenly she thinks Clomid is a bad idea and that Metformin would be a better option for me. In fact, first she thinks I need to keep better track of my menstrual cycle to see if it's possible that the acupuncture is actually inducing ovulation. Suddenly, she's not prefacing the word "acupuncture" with a laugh. She wants me to track my menses and then purchase an OPK. I guess I was jumping the gun a little when I bought the OPK without really knowing how long my cycles have been lately. When I went for acupuncture weekly, I know they were right around 28 days, but I've dropped to every-other-week. Perhaps I'll go back to weekly for awhile and then try out the OPK's again. I feel relieved to finally have some semblance of a plan or at least a next step, though this whole process is excruciatingly slow. I want results now; I am an American for Christ's sake. We expect no less. (Please note the humor intended in that comment)

I think I'll wait to schedule the appointment with the endocrinologist until I've been going to acupuncture weekly for four weeks in a row. Just for my own personal little anecdotal research on the effects of acupuncture on PCOS diagnoses criteria.

Primary Care Doc

2004-11-01T23:52:00.000-08:00

So I finally went to see my primary care doc today. I told him that I want to try to get pregnant and wanted to make sure:

1) I’m in general good health for carrying a baby
2) his opinion on how to manage the PCOS, since it’s being viewed as more of an endocrine/insulin problem and less of a gynecological problem.

He took one look at me and said, “I don’t think you have pcos. Why did your GYN give you that diagnosis?”

I went through the list – elevated LH level, numerous cysts seen on my ovaries during ultrasounds, hirsutism (I can’t believe I’m admitting that on-line – that was once a secret between me and waxer). :-)

“You don’t have body type, so I’m sending you to endocrinologist. We shouldn’t try to figure out how to treat something until we’re sure that’s the problem.”

In a way, I am relieved. Maybe it won’t be as hard to get pregnant as I have feared. But in many ways, I am distressed:

1) If I don’t have pcos, then why are my periods so irregular and why am I so hairy?
2) If I don’t have pcos, how will we know how to treat my infertility issues if I do have them?
3) If I don’t have pcos, then I’ll have to change the name of this blog. :-)

I had a similar situation with another health problem with this same doctor. As a child, I had been diagnosed with a heart condition. I took impeccable care of myself according to the guidelines for the disease. Then when I met this doctor, he didn’t believe I had that disease and sent me for a test. The test came back normal. Ever since then I’ve worried that it was because I was following those guidelines and they made the test look normal. I’m no longer following the guidelines (why should I if I don’t have the disease), but what if it comes back because I’m not doing all that stuff anymore? I worry the same with the PCOS. What if the acupuncture makes my tests all look normal? But then I stop the acupuncture and it comes back?

Okay. I know I’m a freak for worrying that I’m normal. :-)

At least my doc discouraged clomid. He had a patient who had to be admitted to a psych hospital due to side effects from that drug. Uh-uh, I don’t need that. I have enough problems with anxiety as it is. I don’t need some potentially ovarian-cancer-inducing drug to tip me over that edge any further.

(whining) I just want to get pregnant. Why does it have to be such a pain in the @$$

Pregnancy / Child Envy

2004-10-27T16:25:00.000-07:00

One of my straight female friends gave me some exciting news today - she's pregnant. We both decided to try to get pregnant at roughly the same time. Of course, she's straight and thus has easy access to sperm and she doesn't have any fertility issues. Of course, I am ecstatic for her. But I can't help but feel increasingly frustrated with my own experience. Mr. B (I bet you thought he was pretty much out of the picture - as did I) emailed my partner yesterday saying he wants to talk on the phone. I'm assuming, he'll only be confirming his lack of interest, though admittedly I'm a little curious. In my head, I've already been devoting all my thoughts to plan B and plan C.

Another friend of mine is going through the process to adopt right now. She's a single lesbian - I'm impressed by her courage to take on such a huge task alone. She asked me to be present when the social worker came and did her house review. I was so honored to be there. It was fascinating. I took detailed notes - more for my own information than hers, I think. They reviewed the basic safety issues in her home and told her that she needs to make a few changes:

-locks on the bottom cabinets
-cover for the radiator
-remove any electric chords that are laying around

I guess I ought to at least be thinking about what I'll do with those items in my own home. As she's willing to take a 3-5 year old child, she will probably get a child as early as 1 month. I'm quite excited for her. Though I wish she was getting a baby, so we could go through the trials of parenting infants together. Ah, well. I'm still quite excited and will be thrilled to meet her new addition to her family.

So, having mixed feelings today.

PMS

2004-10-24T21:22:00.000-07:00

So, how did I miss my ovulation? I am certain that I have already ovulated. I can feel the progesterone rising along with my irritability. My mood dropping as my patience decreases. I am so frustrated. If my progesterone is peaking than I must have ovulated somewhere in there, right? I'd like to think I could figure my body out, but to be honest, I just don't know what it's doing. Did I ovulate or didn't I? I know that at least once while getting acupuncture, I ovulated. I know this because 1) I felt it happen and exactly 14 days later I got my period and 2) I coincidentally had an ultrasound scheduled after I'd ovulated and they confirmed that they saw my corpus luteum (the spot on my ovary from which the egg was hatched). Ugh. I just wish I'd done that darn OPK on the right day. Somehow that urinary evidence would be so reassuring to me. But maybe I'm just obsessing on that and need to let it go. [sigh]

Waiting Game Continues

2004-10-22T13:56:00.000-07:00

Monday - went to acupuncture

Tuesday - felt so horny that it affected my brain. I was convinced I was ovulating. OPK was negative.

Wednesday - felt some mild cramping near ovary and was convinced I was ovulating. OPK was negative.

Thursday - finally braved it enough to check my cervical mucus. I'm not sure whether or not my fingers hit the right spot exactly. If so, mucus didn't look like egg white to me.

Friday - No symptoms. Didn't have the chuptza to check my cervical mucus, but I'm guessing that I'm still not ovulating.

I really want to ovulate before my GYN appointment next week so I can prove to my GYN that the acupuncture is working. But this pressure I'm putting on myself is not likely helping.

[big sigh]

Procrastination & Donor Dreams

2004-10-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

My partner thinks it was a subconscious plot to sabotage (or at least temporarily delay) our pregnancy plans that I conveniently convinced myself that my 1:30pm doctor's appointment was actually at 2:30pm. When I arrived, an hour late, to said appointment, I was told I had to reschedule! I was so distressed, I nearly cried in the waiting room of my doctor's office. Fortunately, the secretary was especially pleasant and apologetic when he informed me that the next available appointment wasn't until November.

Fortunately, I did not have a nervous breakdown with that news. But went for shopping therapy instead.

Then on our way home from drinks and dancing with friends, our friend CO said she'd casually asked an ex-boyfriend of hers if he'd be willing to donate sperm for some friends of hers. We have met and are quite fond of Mr. L (the ex-boyfriend). Though he wouldn't be the same as Mr. B; he would probably make a nice choice for a known donor.

I had readjusted my thinking towards an anonymous donor, so I'm going to give the idea of Mr. L some thought before we approach him directly. So, I guess, we'll see. There is so much to do and so much to think about. I have been dreaming of a reality (certainly not this one) in which I could get pregnant by my partner, despite our both being women. [sigh] This is taking so much work.

LH & Acupuncture

2004-10-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

After hearing recently from an anonymous reader who had constantly positive OPK results and bad cramps, but still wasn't ovulating, I decided to investigate the accuracy of the OPK's for PCOS-ers.

For one, most OPK's have a warning on the box that specifically says that the test may not be accurate for women with PCOS.

I looked over some of my old lab tests that had been done. And it's true, without any treatment, my LH level was elevated. LH is the hormone that these ovulation prediction kits (OPK) are looking for. So if my LH level is normally elevated, that would make sense. It would look like I am constantly ovulating (In women without PCOS, LH spikes up around the time of ovulation and then drops again).

I also noticed that when my blood had been tested while I was on oral contraceptives (to regulate my period), my LH level was normal.

That said, I am currently undergoing accupuncture. So I wondered, how might accupuncture affect my LH level if it's truly going to help me ovulate? So I decided to "waste" one of the sticks in the OPK by testing my urine when I was fairly certainly that I was NOT ovulating. So that's what I did and guess what... it was negative! This is a good thing! This suggests that the accupuncture may be regulating my hormones (including my LH level) despite the PCOS.

I am pretty confident that accupuncture can work. It may not have as high odds as Clomid, but it definitely doesn't have the same risks nor side effects as Clomid either. I'm not saying I won't use Clomid. But I just want to give the accupuncture (and lotus oil *smile* ) a chance first.

Lotus Oil

2004-10-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

Back in August, I'd mentioned that I'd been pregnant once. This, of course, gives me hope that I can do it again, as I've had the signs of PCOS throughout my entire adult life, even before the official diagnosis was made. When I got pregnant before, I had been living in Cairo, Egypt and had been wearing lotus oil daily. I didn't learn until after I became pregnant that in ancient Egypt lotuses were thought to be a sign of fertility.

So I figured it couldn't hurt to try the lotus oil again. I've found an on-line source for lotus oil at From Cairo with Love. Interestingly enough, they export the lotus oil directly from the Khan Khallili Bazaar, the exact place where I purchased my first bottle of lotus oil. Somehow that seems promising. Since then, I have become intensely sensitive to scents, so I hope that I will be able to wear the oil without having a nasty allergic reaction.

Fertile Libido?

2004-10-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering... Is a high libido a sign of fertility? I googled my question and ended up with a bunch of pages on random subjects, such as: goat fertility, a religious site encouraging natural family planning as the best form of birth control (what????) and a news piece on women getting hair transplants in their nether regions to promote fertility. But no site that clearly answered my question. (Just brought up a number of unrelated questions - such as where do they get the hair for those hair transplants).

So I dug out my old Anatomy & Physiology textbook and decided to do some investigating.

Progesterone (which increases at the end of your cycle, after ovulation) decreases libido. But testosterone will increase a woman's libido. Testosterone suppresses the release of LH (luteinizing hormone), which is the hormone that rises suddenly at the time of ovulation. So I guess it makes sense that I would be horniest for the first fourteen days after my period starts (prior to ovulation). So I guess feelin' frisky isn't an exact predictor of ovulation. Just indicates that maybe I haven't ovulated yet. Bummer. I was hoping this might be yet another one of those "good signs" I'm so anxious to be on the lookout for. But hey, in any case, I'm not going to complain about wantin' some nookie. I doubt the honey will complain any either.

Ovulation Prediction

2004-10-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had lunch with my friend B, who is a nurse midwifery student. I had been having horrible menstrual cramps, and she reassured me that this is actually a good sign (nice that my suffering isn't in vain). :-) She said that cramps are a sign that I ovulated that month. So, after some Advil, she talked me into checking out the ovulation predictor kits (OPK) at the drug store. In acupuncture the day before my period arrived, I'd gotten this semi-conscious vision of a droplet of blood as I was falling asleep. That also seemed like a good sign somehow - I am feeling a little more in tune with my body. With the news from B that my cramps may indicate I ovulated, I decided to brave it and bought an OPK. Although C and I still don't have any access to sperm, I think it will be reassuring to me - and relieve some anxiety - if I can see concrete evidence that I am ovulating. I may also be able to use this evidence when I go back to my GYN to prove that the acupuncture is working and that I don't need Clomid. I'm definitely starting to feel a little more excited and a little less anxious again, thanks to my chat with B. (Thanks B if you're reading this!)

Patience

2004-09-29T16:22:00.000-07:00

The reason I haven't written is because not much has changed. I am realizing the key to this process is Patience. Mr. B has said that he "might" go get a sperm count done at his doctor's office, because if his sperm count is low, we can stop these dreaded conversations and move on to plan B. In my mind, I am already moving on. I am keeping up with the acupuncture, taking my prenatal vitamins, and have rescheduled that astrologically-cancelled appointment with my general care doc. I'm still not sure that I want to mess with the Metformin any more than I want to mess with Clomid. I may just see how far I can get with the acupuncture alone. We'll see. But I thought minimally I will have him run all of the pre-pregnancy labs that are recommended. My GYN told me to schedule a pre-pregnancy appointment with her, but as you heard in my last post, I am getting turned off by her trying to push her own agenda onto me and would rather see how far I get with my primary care doc while I try to find someone else to go to who will respect my interest in trying acupuncture first. So... in other words, no major news. One interesting thing is that another co-worker is pregnant now. That means two who just came back from maternity leave and two who are pregnant. I'm kind of hoping all that fertility will be a bit contageous. ;-)

Any PCOS-expert, acupuncture/alternative supporting, lesbian-friendly docs or midwives out there?

2004-09-23T13:03:00.000-07:00

Trying to prepare myself either for:

1. Mr. B's deciding NOT to donate his sperm or
2. Mr. B's hanging us on indefinitely until we decide to do something else

I am trying to process my feelings about using an anonymous donor. Part of my difficulty is that I don't want the experience of pregnancy and birth to seem too clinical. In my heart, bringing a new life into this world is more of a spiritual path and emotional choice; it isn't a medical decision. Using an anonymous donor just seems so... sterile. I will probably get over this feeling - at least to some degree. The shared experience between C and I of bringing a life into this world will make it spiritual even if we have to be in an isolation unit and wearing astronaut suits.

In the meantime, I am having a difficulty finding a health practitioner to help us out. The problem is I need someone who is going to be familiar with PCOS, comfortable with my using alternative means of enhancing my fertility, as well as sensitive about lesbianism. That seems like a lot to ask. Even one of the three is hard enough to find on its own. My current OB/GYN is a lesbian and is an expert in PCOS, but she is not at all supportive of my using alternative treatments for managing my PCOS. And considering that we'll probably be using an anonymous donor and I will have to struggle with that clinical aspect to this experience, I am even less satisfied settling for a practitioner who doesn't support my use of acupuncture to try to ovulate.

Maybe if I send a message out to the universe, something will suddenly make sense in all of this confusion.

The 2nd Phone Call

2004-09-21T18:11:00.000-07:00

Over three weeks had past since the first phone call. C has been too busy to call Mr. B herself, so I decided to take action. Armed with my cell phone, I made contact first with Mr. T via his cell phone. We got through the awkwardness of initiating The Topic. Mr. T relayed what he believed were Mr. B's primary concerns. Then when Mr. B got home, he got on the phone. At the end of the call, I was left feeling very discouraged. I'm trying to psych myself up to be excited about using an anonymous donor. C pointed out, "Well, at least we won't have to wait as long. We know the sperm we get will have already been through all of the necessary tests. We could start as soon as we're ready without having to wait on someone else." I guess that's a good point, but I can't help but feel sad. Mr. B did not give a definitive "no," but at the end of the call, he tried to point out the positives of using an anonymous donor. That seemed rather ominous.

Hurricane

2004-09-18T01:21:00.000-07:00

That damn hurricane - not only did it kill people and animals, destroy homes, and scare the country half-to-death, but it got in the way of my baby-making plans! You see, Mr. B and Mr. T live within the target area of the hurricanes and were evacuated from their home. And as you can imagine, running for their lives took precedence over deciding whether or not to share their semen with their hot and sexy lesbian friends. :-) First power-outages in my doctor's office due to a fire somewhere and now natural disasters... is there anything else that could get in the way of this happening? Are you sure Mother Earth isn't trying to tell me something? ;-)

Colposcopy Cramps

2004-09-16T01:51:00.000-07:00

Yesteday I had an appointment with my GYN. I'd had an abnormal pap recently - the first one of my life - and she wanted to do a colposcopy to make sure nothing was wrong. Fortunately, she didn't find anything. But the procedure was incredibly painful. Now I'll admit I'm a wimp when it comes to pain. Fortunately for me, I get the most minor of menstrual cramps, though perhaps if they were worse, I wouldn't be such a wimp. Anyway, during this procedure, I felt like I was having the worst menstrual cramps of my life.

To distract me from the pain, my GYN started asking questions about my plans for pregnancy. Without even asking my opinion, she said, "Well, once you have a decision made about your donor, we'll start you on Clomid. It won't matter that he is in New Orleans. We'll be able to predict your ovulation fairly precisely, so you'll know when he needs to fly out. And we can do fresh sperm insemination here in my office." Yikes!

1) I still need to look this up, but I believe Clomid increases your risk of ovarian cancer - something I definitely fear for good reason

2) I prefer to try to use acupuncture first and to avoid medications as much as possible. I want to trust that my body can be guided to be fertile without throwing drugs into the mix. I'll be open to other options later if the acupuncture doesn't work, but I'd prefer to try it first.

3) I'm not sure I want to use fresh semen. There is no way to definitively guarantee that it is free from STD's.

Not to mention the increased risk for multiple birth pregnancies. Though my doctor says the probability of having twins is only 5% and the probability of triplets is 1%, definitely higher than the general population, but not as bad as I expected. But what if I am in that 1%? What would I do with all of those babies?

Though I have to admit, as this new info is added to my collection of fertility data, there is some appeal to the simplicity of taking a drug rather than overwhelming myself trying to figure out when I'm ovulating on my own. But it's so... scientific and unromantic, ya know? Getting inseminated already feels too clinical on its own. Why make it even more so?

Baby Magazines

2004-09-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I was waiting at the lab to have some blood drawn as part of my prenatal assessment. I noticed a parenting magazine, amongst other magazines, on the end table in the waiting room. I glanced at it casually and then looked away, as I have for years and years in doctor's office waiting rooms. Then suddenly, it dawned on me. If I am thinking of getting pregnant, perhaps this magazine might actually suddenly interest me. So I picked it up and started leafing through it. I read a somewhat interesting article on how to help with specific behavior problems that children are working through. I was admittedly a little relieved that I found the article thought-provoking enough to maintain my attention through its duration.

Then today, as I sat in the waiting room of my OB/GYN's office, I saw the standard worn stack of magazines on the end table and felt a sense of panic rising. 'Oh, no. I hope there isn't a baby magazine there. I'll feel obliged to read it and feign interest.' As soon as I realized what I was doing, I wondered to myself, 'If you are not enthralled or even mildly interested in parenting magazines, does that mean you shouldn't be a mother?' Of course, I need to cut myself a little slack. I'm not interested in reading ANY magazines - not even magazines on my very favorite topics. I'll come across interesting articles and will occasionally bring them home where they sit in a "to be read" pile that only grows higher and higher. I have yet to make a dent in it. I eventually throw them out if I am no longer interested in the subject or think that it's been thoroughly covered via the internet. It's not that I don't read. I just have a weird aversion to magazine format. But I guess the doubts still plague me.

Straddling

2004-09-12T01:54:00.000-07:00

I have a very diverse group of friends. There are ways that they can be divided into groups. There are my work friends, my clubbing friends, my long-term friends that are like family to me, new friends, the friends who were once lovers of mine, friends from college, friends from high school, older friends, younger friends, lesbian friends, male friends, straight friends, bi friends, friends from "back home," friends who live outside the US, friends who were born outside the US, single friends, married friends, polyamorous friends, my blogging friends, etc. The list could go on infinitely.

But in this process of contemplating pregnancy, I'm realizing that there is another way my friends can be divided. There are the friends who've had babies, the friends who never want babies and the friends in between.

Life is an everchanging journey. If you'd asked me 6 months ago, while I was dancing drunkenly about in a lesbian bar if I thought I'd have a baby, I would have answered, "Hell, no. Our dog keeps me busy enough. I can't even handle that much responsibility, let alone a child."

I have always had respect for my friends who have children. How do they do it? How do they go to work, keep their house clean (at least hygienically so) and have the energy left to take care of a baby? I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Making plans with friends who have children has also been difficult, to say the least. Mom A has been desperately wanting to go out dancing with me for six years now and we have yet to go. Mom R is a little more flexible as she has a babysitter once a week. But I am always uncertain how to answer, "Would you rather we hang out when I've got the babysitter or would you rather we go out when Little A can join us?" Her son is adorable and I definitely enjoy his company, but we hardly talk about much else when he's around. Though would it really be different without him? Motherhood is all consuming. Of that, I have no doubt.

I still waiver back and forth on the question of motherhood, all the while stepping foot forward. Do I really want to become the friend who can't go dancing? The friend who brings her baby along on the afternoon hike in Golden Gate Park? Will my single friends lose interest in me? And if that is a possibility, is that a sacrifice I'm willing to make?

Of course, I see the miracle of birth as life-altering in a profound way that little else could compare to. But my friends and my love for them has been life-altering as well. Not to mention my partner C and my invaluable-beyond-words relationship with her. And that will be changing as well.

After listening to my doubts and worries about becoming a mother, my great friend N quoted Harriet Tubman: "Trust in God and keep on going." Though I am averse to the title "God" in relation to my spiritual beliefs, in essence, I guess that is what I will have to do. Keep on keeping on.

Frustration

2004-09-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

Something must be cosmically off with the alignment of the planets or something. I have not had a more all-around frustrating day ever. It started off with numerous frustrations at my job - namely not getting what I wanted over and over. Once or twice I can deal with, but by the end of the day I was near tears from all of the frustrations. Then to top it off, when I got home from work this morning, I tried very very hard to get to bed because I had a doctor's appointment at 2:45pm (a check up to make sure I'm in general good health before attempting to get pregnant and a request for a prescription for Metformin from my primary care doc to improve the fertility of my polycystic ovaries). I finally fell asleep and must have hit snooze three or four times when my alarm clock tried to get me out of bed. By the time it started beeping at me, I had only slept for about three hours. I got all ready to go and just before leaving I noticed that there was a message on my phone. And who was it? My doctor's office! Apparently, they had a power outage today and closed the office, cancelling all of today's appointments. I guess it would have been even more frustrating if I'd gone all the way to his office before getting this news. I will try to be thankful for small positives today. But I'm scared this weird "frustration" vibe will keep on till the day ends. Maybe I should cut my losses and just go back to bed. I'm trying to see this as a sign to take it slowly with our baby plans and not as a sign that I am not suppose to have a baby. Days like this I can't help but overanalyze things and try to add meaning where there likely is none.

Waiting

2004-09-06T03:48:00.000-07:00

We told Mr. B and Mr. T to spend the next two weeks discussing whether or not they want to have a baby. Waiting is so excruciatingly anxiety-inducing. I've had at least a few sips of alcohol the past two nights in a row, probably in part to try not to think about it.

My partner C says she is assuming they'll either say no or they'll bail out at the last minute. According to "The Essential Guide," it is not uncommon for donors to change their minds even minutes before handing over the "goods."

So I am trying to distract myself with ideas for a plan B. But so far, none of them seem even remotely appealing. Though perhaps tonight, I will post an ad saying we're looking for designated donors or co-parents just to see what is out there.

Honestly, I have my heart quite firmly set on the idea of Mr. B as donor and Mr. T as daddy #2. [big sigh]. I guess we'll see what happens. Only time will tell. As of today, it has been one week since The Phone Call. Only one more week to go - in theory anyway.

Basal Body Thermometer

2004-09-03T16:17:00.000-07:00

So I bought myself a digital basal body thermometer to start figuring out when I ovulate. Suddenly, I have come across a whole host of problems I hadn't anticipated. The instructions for the thermometer read:

"Take your temperature when you first awake in the MORNING."

I emphasize morning because - if you know me, you'll realize - I work NIGHTS. Thus, I NEVER awaken in the morning.

"A basal temperature is the normal body temperature of a healthy person immediately upon awakening after a restful nights sleep. More precisely, it is the body temperature measured under so called basal conditions (12 hours after eating, after a restful sleep, no exercise, no emotional excitement, normal room temperature)."

Okay, define "normal." First of all, I sleep anywhere from 3:30am to 5pm. I've been known to nap from 11pm to 1am and then get up for several hours before going back to sleep around 6am. So... should I just throw out the thermometer now? And 12 hours after eating? Well, on night shifts, I generally eat "lunch" anywhere from 11pm to 3am. Sometimes I eat another meal when I get home, but sometimes I just skip the food and go to sleep.

"For best results, this waking temperature should be taken at the same time each MORNING. Since any activity may tend to raise your temperature, do not get out of bed until you have taken your basal temperature. Postpone going to the bathroom, eating, smoking or drinking until after taking your basal temperature... A notation should be made for any rise in temperature due to emotional stress or sleeplessness."

How could I not be under emotional stress when contemplating having a baby? Granted it's a happy stress, but my fevered dreams will certainly attest to the stressful nature of this major life change.

Although I sleep and eat during randomly rotating hours, I am happy with my schedule. I sleep when I'm tired and I eat when I'm hungry. It makes the most sense to me. More sense than eating and sleeping on a schedule NOT dictated by my biology.

But if I want to get pregnant, what's a girl like me to do?

Fevered Dreams

2004-09-02T01:53:00.000-07:00

The last couple of nights, I have woken from fitful sleep in the midst of feverish dreams. I've been dreaming very realistic fantasies of being pregnant or of trying to get pregnant. I don't know if it is the stress or the genuinely unusually warm weather we are having that gives the dreams the feverish quality.

Last night, I dreamt that C and I were visiting Mr. T and Mr. B at their house. They bought a house this past year and we actually haven't been to see it yet (they live across country). In the dream, C and Mr. B were out on their front porch. Mr. T and I were inside, in their living room which had french doors that led onto the porch. T was tired (or passed out drunk) and was laying on the couch with his eyes closed. He said, "I want you to kiss me."

Now, okay, I'll admit I am a little more bisexual than I led on when I started this blog. And in fact, I have been attracted to varying degrees to both T and B at times. Though I haven't been with a man in 12 years. And, in fact, have been with C for the last 8. In any case, I was quite thrilled with Mr. T's request.

I looked out on the porch through the french doors. C and Mr. B had been just to the right of the doorway, out of eyesight. But as I glanced up, I saw that C and Mr. B were in a tight embrace, though looking my way. When we caught eyes, they moved back out of view.

When I got up to give Mr. T his kiss, however, he was totally asleep. Disappointed, I went out onto the porch to join C and Mr. B.

This Essential Guide that we're reading mentions that it is totally normal to develop romantic feelings or even crushes on the people you are soliciting for sperm. It can feel like a courtship in some ways.

When I woke up, however, I had a mild panic. What if C leaves me and she and Mr. B get together and fight for custody? This fantasy is somewhat absurd because 1. Mr. B is so gay that he has never even been with a woman before. And 2. C and I love each other immensely and are built to last. :-) But still, the dream has left me a little unsettled. Perhaps the dream was trying to alleviate my feelings of guilt over not wanting Mr. T's sperm by creating a sexual relationship with him that would somehow prove that I was just as fond of Mr. T as I am of Mr. B.

Tread lightly

2004-09-01T01:41:00.000-07:00

For clarification's sake, I will refer to our potential sperm donor as Mr. B and his partner as Mr. T.

So while talking on the phone to Mr. B, answering his questions to help him make a decision as to whether or not he wants to donate sperm to us, he revealed that he and Mr. T had assumed that we were asking for both of their sperm. Yikes! Talk about awkward. You see, Mr. T is not out to his parents and we see this as a liability. What would happen if they found out that 1. Mr. T is gay; 2. He got a lesbian pregnant. 3. They are grandparents. What if they decide that being gay makes both Mr. T and us "unfit" parents and they sue for cuustody? This is a risk we are not willing to take.

So... in a subsquent email to both Mr. B and Mr. T, we explained as much. We are very worried that Mr. T will feel rejected. Both C and I are quite fond of both B and T as a couple and as individuals and would never want to hurt either of their feelings. But this is a bit awkward and messy.

We are using this excellent book as we move cautiously through this process: The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth by Kim Toevs and Stephanie Brill. There are other books out there, but we have found this one the most comprehensive. This book cautions that when asking for sperm from one man in a gay male couple, the other may feel rejected and may even try to sabotage plans. I'm very scared suddenly, having read that. I think what scares me the most is that I can totally imagine feeling that way and even considering doing just that if I were in his shoes.

Negotiations

2004-08-31T02:54:00.000-07:00

So B wrote back "What an earth-shattering proposition!" That response kind of scared me. Does that mean the subject was too horribly grotesque to consider? After all, he is gay and has never been with a woman before. Perhaps even the thoughts of the results of the heterosexual act which repulses him so were enough to make him shudder with fright.

But [big sigh], he agreed that this was a subject that would more appropriately be discussed via phone. Somehow the lack of a simple "No" was enough to give me hope.

Tonight was the first big phone call. I say first because there are still so many questions to be answered before a decision can be made. After all, agreeing to something that will obviously have some level of implications for the rest of your life may require some fore-thought - from all parties, myself, my partner C, B and his partner T. But my, am I excited that these conversations are happening.

In the meantime, with regards to my PCOS... I am starting to take action on my fertility. I am seeing my acupuncturist every two weeks - she got me having regular periods for the first time in my life after I hadn't menstruated for three months in a row. I am taking Floridex (a vegetable-based iron supplement that my acupuncturist recommended) and prenatal vitamins (which my massage therapist recommended taking six months prior to conception - yes, I'm going to get massages as often as possible as well). And I'm going to see my primary care doc just to make sure I'm in general good health. Though I don't have diabetes, my GYN recommended Metformin (a diabetes drug) to help me get pregnant. Apparently PCOS is primarily an insulin disorder that manifests in GYN problems. So I may get a script for Metformin from him while I'm there. Though my acupuncturist seems pretty darn confident that I won't need it with her on my team. So we'll see if I take it. Apparently it causes quite a bit of GI upset. And I HATE nausea so that may be enough to deter me (though not from pregnancy - morning sickness or not, I want to do this). Though honestly, I have been known to say (on more than one ocassion) - if there is a hell, my hell would be to be nauseous for eternity.

I did get pregnant once, back in my more open-minded bisexual youth, and I had been wearing Egyptian lotus oil daily. Later I learned that in Egypt, lotus oil is believed to enhance fertility. So I am going to cruise around the web and see if I can find a supplier. Let me know if you run into any anywhere. :-)

Oh, and coincidence or not, during a trip to New Orleans, B & T had brought us back a fertility charm from a voodoo shop. And I've got an old fertility statue that belonged to my mother. I think she picked it up during a vacation in Hawaii or something. I'm trying to think of a prominent place to display fertility objects in our house. Any suggestions?

Soliciting Semen

2004-08-30T02:48:00.000-07:00

Actually, it's specifically sperm that I need, but semen just sounded better in the title. :-)

So over a period of weeks, I somehow convinced C to let me bear a child. She must love me a whole damn lot. We just adopted an 80-pound lap dog about six months ago and our hands are already full with one child. So seriously, she must really want me to be happy to have humored me with these discussions even this far.

After rejecting each of the somewhat attractive men at the dog park on the grounds that they were either too conservative or straight or socially inept, we finally got back to B. We have considered him a potential known donor for years in all of our fantasy talks on the subject of "What if we have kids..." But then he moved across country. I am all for locally-grown, but if they ain't growin' the stuff you're lookin' for in your own town... I have nothing against importing.

So we sent off a little email message to our good friend B and waited excruciatingly long days for a response.

Biological Clock Battery

2004-08-29T23:41:00.000-07:00

So I go into my lesbian GYN and inquire about her two children she's recently given birth to and next thing I know, she's asking if C and I are going to have kids.

ME: Yeah, we talk about it, but not too seriously.

I don't know if it was my choice of topics in making chitchat before she asks me to lay down on her exam table and spread my legs or if she is genuinely concerned about my ability to reproduce. In either case, next thing I know...

GYN: Well, you might want to take those conversations off the back burner if you want to be the one to bear children.

Okay, now my biological clock has been acting a bit haywire for the last year or two - I am in my early 30's now. But those words that came forth like the voice of God herself - like a jump start to that malfunctioning clock's battery. And next thing I know, I am nearly in a panic, on my knees begging C to let me have a baby. You'd think I was a little six-year-old girl begging her mother to let her bring that adorable puppy home from the pet store. Initially, the seriousness of the subject matter probably felt no less real.